re-cap

So, I've just been sitting around today and figure I'd talk more about my sunday encounter and just what's been going on with me lately... cause I have been fairly open on my other blog about how I'm feeling, but at the same time I don't want to be overly so I guess.. largely because I know Catch 22 doesn't check this site anymore (or at least assume that she doesn't).

ANYWAY...

I was spending time with a friend who was celebrating my belated birthday. We went out to eat and then spent some time just hanging around. As we were hanging out I appreciated his company, but just had the impulse to get back home so I could call her to see what she was up to. (just for the purposes of having some name I'll call her Hope).

I got home and knew she had work in the morning, so I didn't want to inconvenience her too much. She agreed to hang out, but admitted that she wanted to go to bed within a couple hours and was fairly tired. I showed up at her house a few minutes later (we live close to one another). We were both being highly indecisive as to what we were going to do, it was either watch a movie, watch TV, sit on her portch and talk, or find a nice field and lay a blanket down and enjoy the night.

Minutes later we were in my car traversing the town looking for a nice open patch of grass to stop at. We ended up finding an empty baseball field to lay the blanket down. As we did she laid down on one side and I sat on the other. We talked for a while about random subjects and this time I tried to let her steer the conversation more, because the previous hang-out I had spent the majority of the time talking and not allowing her to get more than a few words in. As she spoke I changed positions to lay on my stomach instead of awkwardly sitting on the edge of the blanket.

As the night went on the temperature dropped. I was laying on one side of the blanket and she started rolling herself up in her side, which incidentally made her get closer and closer to me. Once the cold really started bothering me I tried to do the same with the blanket, but I was pushed so far over on the edge that I couldn't get any of it to cover me.
I started awkwardly rotating while keeping some distance between us. She picked up on what I was trying to do and made a joke at the fact that I couldn't get anything more than a tiny triangle of fabric over one of my legs. She told me that I could move closer, but I was hesitant to do so, however with the cold at my back I was forced to move in close.

She pulled the excess blanket over me as I put my arm around her stomach and nestled my nose against her shoulder. I asked her if it was awkward, but she said it wasn't. We looked at the stars and tried to pick out constellations, but we were only able to find the big-dipper. I started making my own ficticious ones and it ended up being fairly entertaining. She interrupted my constellation making to say, "mmm, warm." I turned my attention away from the sky and found my place against her shoulder again. I again wrapped my arm around her stomach and lightly pulled at her hip, she inched closer and put her legs over mine.

We carried on some small-talk when every few minutes she's re-position her legs to nestle me closer and closer to her. Eventually we were a single unit with no gaps between us, I felt calm and I could tell that she did too. It was peaceful in the silence of the night, just listening to one another's voice in the warm company of our mutual body-heat sustained under the make-shift cotton tent.
Once we were joined with both of her legs over mine and my knees turned in under her legs she started pushing her heels against the back of my thighs, edging my crotch closer to her's. On one final push she pressed mine right up against her's, I noticed a surge of warmth emanating from her lower region. At this point the conversation dropped, we both kind of fell into this peaceful meditation state. We started talking again and she admitted that she was getting tired, I knew that I should have probably been getting ready to go too, but I just didn't feel like moving. We laid there for a moment both looking at eachother when I broke the gaze and again nestled my face snugly into her shoulder. In the peace and warmth I noticed something was happening, I was starting to have an erection and I knew that it was pressing against her crotch directly. For some reason I didn't care or try to reposition myself. Around that time she said, "I should probably go." Feeling bad, as though I had somehow made her feel awkward I agreed to leave. As I did she looked at me and closed her eyes and said, "but not just yet, I'm so comfortable."

We laid there in silence with my pulsating member pushing against her crotch. I looked up at her and saw a peaceful expression on her face looking back at me. It seemed like the perfect time for an overly romantic first kiss when I was overcome with feelings of guilt. I moved away from her slightly and said, "are you ready to go?" She wanted to stay a little longer, but decided to leave a couple minutes later.

I drove her home and stopped briefly in her driveway, she hugged me goodbye and made tentative plans to see me in a week. I reminded her that I was going to Chicago, when I did she leaned back over the center of the car and gave me a long and extended hug, as though I was going to be gone for some significant period of time. I reassured her I'd only be gone for a couple weeks and she opted to possibly come up to New York to visit me.
We had our goodbyes and I was off.

Since Sunday up until now something has felt off to me. I started stewing on my guilty feeling I felt during that 'perfect moment' we shared earlier. I started to realize that when I was with Hope I was really fantasizing, on some level, that I was holding Catch 22. I started to see that I've really just been trying to replace Catch 22 with someone at this point, but the reality is that in so many ways I feel like I still belong to her. I found it ironic that I was capable of feeling guilty for gaining feelings for and being physically close with someone else since Catch 22 has been sleeping around with someone else for the past month (maybe even longer, I don't know). I feel like I have every right to be affectionate or even sexual with someone else given the situation, but there's just something that's still bothering me.

I guess the real issue is that on some level I still feel like I want to be with Catch 22, but know that it can't work between us. We have too much history and too many mistakes between us. The last time her and I spoke I knew that things were over.. and as a result I tried to make myself as repulsive and threatening as possible just so it'd be easier for both of us to move on.. but it's still been difficult, I know that I really do still care about her, even to the point that I'd totally destroy my character in her eyes in order to make it easier for her to move on.. but the part of the equation I didn't count on is me continuing to hang on..

I don't know really what's going to happen in the future with me and Hope, going the way things are going we'll probably get together and I sincerely hope that I stop feeling like she's just a replacement.. cause that'll mean I end up hurting her in the end, which means I'd be hurting myself.

Final note:

Still haven't heard back about my catsuit! GRRRR!

In response to Closetmonster: indeed, these pining pangs really do suck quite a bit, but none the less it has been a learning experience. I'm actually hoping that once I get my new catsuit + camera and have some time to dress up and take pictures, I'll be able to portion out some of the biological and psychological aspects of what I'm feeling. Because I feel like in a lot of ways when one gets out of a serious relationship they are dealing with 3 things; a routine change, social situation change, and the loss of their sexuality (on some level).
I feel like the routine change solves itself with time.
The social change also solves itself with time, as long as one has friends and other people to talk to who are around and available.
However, with most good moral people, they aren't able to really regain their sexuality until they get into a new relationship. Now, since my sexuality functions a little differently than most peoples, I feel like it's going to take a different type of coping method with me compared to your average person.

In terms of physical closeness/sexuality, I have 2 good options right now (options = people), however I don't want to use either of them merely for sex. So I figure if I decide to start a relationship with either of them, then my normal physical/biological need for sex will be fulfilled without having to use or hurt anyone. Sounds pretty ideal, right?

So on the psychological end; since I've started dressing up in rubber and as Anima I've noticed something interesting occur. In the past upon dressing I've felt something happen within me, I've felt satisfied, as though I had finally been able to quench this thirst that I've had since I was very young. In the past, being with Catch 22 aided in me feeling secure enough with myself and my fetish to do this in the first place, but now that she's gone I think it's very important that I maintain this part of myself.. And honestly, I don't feel any worse about it since the relationship ended, because I make the final judgment about myself and I know it's something good.

So I'm really hoping my catsuit comes soon so I can dress up!! cause I think it'll be really good for me...

and as far as having a rubber play-mate, I'm fairly certain I'll have one by september/october, but I'll talk more about that later.