Shopping

So I went shopping for girl's clothes this weekend, it was much of, but not exactly what I was expecting.

In the past I had left much of the decision making up to my gf, but this time around I actually had a basic concept in mind. I had told her beforehand what I had wanted, but since I was taking a more active role in what she got for me it only made sense that I tagged along.

At the first store we went to I found it rather nerve racking standing around in the women's section. I was being overly-aware of the other females around me.
I had gone shopping before with my gf while she picked out outfits for herself, but this was really a first in terms of us walking around together in the women's department trying to find something for me. Just mentally knowing that I wasn't the boyfriend who was miserably dragging his feet behind the girlfriend while she looked at cute outfits for herself, but instead I was the effeminate boyfriend who was nervously checking around making sure it's not obvious that she's buying clothes for me, made it much more awkward!

The first thing that made it all painfully uncomfortable was the fact that the store that we were at separated the women's section by size and my gf, being the petite girl that she is, wading around in the +sized women's area made me feel like it was obvious that she was getting clothing for me. Although, it did help that she was wearing pretty baggy garments while shopping, so it was somewhat more acceptable that she was picking out things of larger sizes.. although, in retrospect I think I was overthinking. =P

While still in the first store she asked me on a few occasions what I wanted. I didn't respond cause I was afraid that someone would hear me, I felt paralyzed with embarrassment.
A bit later my gf caught on that I was uncomfortable with her referring directly to me as to whether something was OK or not. So she started saying, 'do you think she'll like it?' which made it a bit easier to cope with.

As some time passed I started feeling more at ease, probably due to the fact that we had been shopping for nearly half an hour and no one had said anything. I looked up and noticed that there weren't all that many people in our immediate area. I started singling out individuals and observed them closer.
I started to think, "why is it that I care at all what these people think?" The reality of it was that I didn't care what any individual person thought of my situation, even if they were aware of what was going on. I think it was more the fact that I didn't want to fully admit to myself or the symbolic public which was being represented by the unknowing passers-by that I liked wearing women's clothing. I felt like if I were 'found out' in some way I'd be turning in my masculinity in exchange for a 'freak' sign. However I know that this isn't really the case.

I began to think more deeply about why I was reacting so irrationally to this abnormal situation. I feel like a lot of it has to do with breaking social norms in a social environment. I mean, I've broken a number of norms and stereotypes in my day. In many ways I like to pride myself on being different from everyone else and not being able to be so easily categorized into any single group through a number of slight abnormalities.
But the key word there is 'slight'; it's one thing to be a guy and have long hair or to dance or to fill in the blank. but it is a very different thing to be a guy and totally disregard one of the central tenants of what it is to be a 'man' and that is NOT to be like a woman! and I think that wanting to wear women's clothes certainly qualifies as wanting to be like a woman. XP

As the day progressed and we visited more stores I began to feel more comfortable. I started to notice that men and women's clothes are not all that different from each other. I mean, there are basic fabric, cut, design, and color differences, but overall quite similar.
Although, given all that similarities there are clearly large social differences. I feel like women's clothes, for the most part, are more sexual than men's clothes. I know it's obvious, but I think that in many ways the hyper-sexualization of women has had everything to do with their image, and their image has everything to do with how they look and appear to be, and their look has everything to do with their clothes.. (I'm not trying to discuss origin or who is to blame for this, cause that's a whole other area of discussion that I don't want to get into right now)
sigh, long chain of words there.
So with women's clothes being sexualized and acting as the vehicle, for many women, to attaining attention, many men have become jealous of this. I believe that this jealousy is not something that is conscious, but for many cross-dressers it's a kind of admiration or fixation on the outer-wear of women. I mean, it's pretty obvious looking at a lot of the pictures posted on the net of guys squeezed into some whoreish looking number without any real attempt to play up their own figure to the garments that they're wearing. It's clear that they/we see the clothes as being sexual, they/we want to experience sexuality through it, although with my own X-dressing experience I've realized that it's a bit tougher than just buying items that I think are sexy and putting them on, cause unfortunately a lot of what I would like to wear just wouldn't look right on me.

I'm actually still in the phase where I'm feeling around for my own look, seeing what looks good on me and what doesn't. I guess I'm trying to pack a life-time of female experience into a brief period of time.. and it's been pretty rough and I think that it'll continue to be difficult, but at least it's been interesting.

Anyway, after shopping I went back home and tried on what we had purchased. I was pleased to see that most of the things we got fit (not in my girl-gear, and there are no pics as of yet), but some of them didn't. So later we went back out to the mall and my gf was nice enough to go and exchange or return the things we had bought while I waited in the car. We then continued shopping at a different mall where the stores are a bit nicer and the clothes are considerably more expensive. We didn't end up getting anything, but I figure that this isn't the last time we'll go shopping so there's no rush.

While driving to and from the mall I started to think about what I wanted to get more speficially and where I'd be able to find such items. I realized that I'd probably end up in a Hot Topic or an Epic to eventually get some of the things I'm interested in.. This I think will be especially uncomfortable because the stores are relatively small, filled with people my age and younger, And because it'd be more trendy-girl attire it'd be more abnormal for my gf to be buying in large sizes.. but I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get there.
Thinking about this got me recalling many of the styles that I have seen on other X-dressers in the past. It seems like it's very normal for people to wear business suits, dresses, and hooker attire. Thoughts of getting clothes like this has crossed my mind, but I've really been more interested in getting fairly normal items. I think that with many X-dressers their idea of femininity resides in different groups and eras; mine, I have found, is largely in my generation.. so I think it'll be fun to dress in a more up-to-date fashion and hopefully add some variety to the community. That is if I can pull off a decent look..

I'd write more, but it's down to business for me.
also, it's not like I don't write a lot as is. =P

*Thank you Summer for the compliment on my previous post. i would have e-mailed you, but I don't know your address. =P
K, take care everybody