Sunday, April 23, 2006

Fresh Eyes

Ok, so the worst of it is over for now...

Last night I returned home with a friend who needed a place to stay for the night. While he was in the bathroom getting ready for bed I rushed to the computer and tried to locate and conceal any fetish material I had stashed on the computer so he wouldn't stumble upon it if he were to use it.
While looking through the files and folders I came across my first set of fetish-photos (the first picture I saw is the one posted above). As I quickly browsed through them I re-realized my interest in latex. I then quickly placed them all into some randomly named folder in the some obscure part of my hard-drive. I then put the computer to sleep and saw my friend to bed.

A little later that night I remembered that I should send some e-mails to professors. While doing so I was reminded of the latex-clad pictures I had stashed away and gave them a quick browse. It was interesting looking at them and thinking, "that's me," because I've spent the past few weeks being completely asexual and removed from my fetish.

It was kind of a foreign feeling looking at a different part of myself from an altered point of view. I liked the pictures, but I just felt far away from the experience.
As I looked on, it started to unsettle the dormant emotions I've had for the better portion of my life. I was re-reminded of all the fun and excitement that comes from the fetish and how it makes things a bit more interesting for me.
I always enjoy the re-insertion into the rubber-mindstate, just because it always makes the interest seem new and exciting.

I closed the picture folder, sent the e-mails I needed to send, and then went outside to have a cigarette. I was reminded of a conversation I had a few days earlier with some friends of mine.
We were discussion compulsive behavior and how it all stems from some need that is being partially, but not completely satisfied by the repeated behavior and how it's sad seeing people trapped in the loop they create for themselves.
I started to apply that idea to fetish and latex in the way that when I'm really into the fetish, I feel like I can never get enough of it. However, there are definitely times when I feel fully satisfied by it.

I thought on and started to realize that this connection between compulsive behavior and fetishism is not a good one, for me at least, mainly because I feel like the basis of compulsive behavior is essentially superstition, a way of releasing one's self from stress, basically doing something that you think is helping you, but really isn't because it's all in your head.
The difference with fetish for me is that I don't do it all the time, nor do I do it to release myself from some unpleasant feeling. I do it merely because I feel compelled to, as anyone does with something they enjoy. I guess for me it fits more with fishing or any other leisure activity than a vicious cycle, which makes me feel better about it overall.

In other news; it looks like my site has exceeded 10,000 visitors. so Hooray to me, maybe I'll get a celebratory photo-set up if I have time... which will hopefully happen before I hit 20,000 =P

In the meantime, here's another picture from earlier this year from a shoot that I haven't yet shared.


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