Full Experience

Since I’ve started buying latex, masks, and other fetish related items I’ve noticed this compulsion towards having more and more and more.
I’ve really tried to put my finger on what this feeling is exactly, but have had trouble through the past.

Earlier today I was extremely thirsty for about 20 minutes between the time I realized I needed to get something to drink and actually drinking. During this time I started to dissect and try to localize what it was exactly to be ‘thirsty’; my mouth was dry, I had a kind of empty sensation in my chest around the esophagus, and my head felt a little disconnected and foggy. But the whole experience of being thirsty was far more than sum of its’ physiological parts. I think the central, almost definitional, factor in thirst is the urge to drink something and knowing that once you do then the discomfort of being in a state of wanting will be lifted.

With my latex and x-dressing fetish I’ve realized that there is something raw and basic behind it, as with thirst, but the difference is that I almost never feel fully satiated by rubber or masking. (The whole reason for the compulsion)
Sure, there’s the excitement of the process of realizing that you want something new, searching for it, finding it, and buying it, but the momentary satisfaction involved in this process is so minimal. The real enjoyment should come from the actual use and re-use of the desired item, but that rarely seems to be the case.

Typically when I purchase latex I’m really excited at the moment of obtaining the garment, then the first time I wear it is always great, but after a few uses it plateaus at a point where it’s still enjoyable, however it loses that initial flare.
Although, with rubber it’s easy to understand because when wearing it I’m typically not doing it for an aesthetic or an identity shift or in trying to reach an ideal, I’m just wearing it because of the tactile experience.
Masking and x-dressing on the other hand is a little more complicated.

The last time I dressed up there seemed to be something missing from the experience. It was like I was going through the motions, but there was nothing behind it. It reminded me of when I was much younger and used to play with action-figures.
I’d see commercials on TV for the newest G.I. Joe and think it was so cool and from that point on I’d be dreaming about how great it’ll be once I have it. Once I got the toy I’d play with it for a few hours, but then hit a moment when I’d step back and ask myself, ‘is that it?’
It was as though something was missing. When I first wanted the toy I envisioned this full-bodied experience met with complete satisfaction, but then through the reality of tossing around the action-figure and putting it in different environments it all felt very shallow.
Once I came upon this realization I stopped buying action figures, because the level of actual engagement and experience was so low. So feeling this way after dressing up was a little discouraging.

With x-dressing and masking I’m ultimately trying to make some sort of shift; physically and mentally. It’s one of those things that I think I need to change from the outside-in, thus being the reason for changing my appearance in order to be able to shift my personality.
I’ve never known, and currently don’t know, why I’m so drawn in by the idea of being able to pull off a believable female appearance with a mask and prosthetics, but I’m happy that I have this compulsion for it.
Why am I happy about it?
well, probably cause it’s fun and different. Although, in my experience it’s typically been more of a let-down than anything else.

In the more distant past whenever I dressed up I was excited, but never did I ever achieve what I had really set out for. I tried to figure out what I actually was trying to accomplish and quickly realized that it was just something that wasn’t going to happen, so I shouldn’t even dream about it.
However, every so often my desire to x-dress would hit a boiling point and I would dress up. And every time, to my disappointment, I found the experience to fall short of what I really wanted.. And every time this happened I would beat myself up over it and have to re-tear down my stupid dream of being able to leap across the gender barrier in a full, convincing, and satisfying way.

Having beaten this dream down a countless number of times I thought that it was basically over and I should hang up the proverbial bra & panties, but then there was my 1st photo-shoot.


For some reason during/after this session of being dressed up I actually felt somewhat content and satisfied with the experience. It was as though for that brief period I had actually come a bit closer to achieving that dream that has been in the back of my mind for so long.

Having now had this experience it’s been able to act as an anchor for my x-dressing and masking fetish, because I was actually able to get close to what I was hoping for all these years.

So I’m really hoping for more of these experiences in the future, which of course means more masks, more rubber, more stuff!
And the compulsion towards a more full experience rages on..