Thursday, June 29, 2006


I'm done with college!!!

Back to NJ!!!

Tuesday, June 27, 2006


Hey everybody!
Don't worry, I'm still alive!

Things have just been really crazy for me lately; trying to get my academic, locational, social, and love-life in order.

My new camera arrived!!! I really like it!
also, my new catsuit should be showing up this week.. SO you all know what that means!...

I'm excited too.. just have to figure out some sort of system of taking pictures of myself.. cause I don't have a photographer anymore :(

Monday, June 19, 2006


So I'm back from Chicago and feeling exhausted. Getting home was a real ordeal and the trip overall was just a bad idea in the first place.
Anyway, I'm trying to stay awake, so I figure I'll just write something.

The trip itself was not worth it except for the flight to Chicago.
The story is as follows:

While waiting at the gate for my flight to Chicago to arrive I started to appraise the crowd of people around me. Nearly everyone was in their 40's or 50's and reading, typing on a laptop, chatting to one another, or talking on a cell-phone. I started to regret not bringing something to help pass the time when I noticed that I was staring at a girl intently reading a large book. I didn't mean to stare, but rather I was just zoning out.
As I started to become conscious of my hazed glare the book lowered, revealing a gorgeous pair of blue eyes. I looked away and felt embarrassed for having unintentionally been gawking.

A few minutes later some people got up and moved around, as they did this girl left the area for a bit. When she returned she sat directly across from me, which I truly do believe was unintentional. I occasionally looked and her and as she'd look back I'd turn away. I tried to make it seem as harmless and unimposing as possible, but I really couldn't get over how attractive she was. She looked like she was part Brazilian and a more attractive version of someone I was involved with years ago.

I started thinking, "gosh, this is the calibur of girl I need to start flirting with and dating." However, the problem is; how does one approach such an attractive female? (which I suppose has been an age-old question for many men)

As I pondered this, a voice came over the PA system saying, "the flight to Chicago has been delayed from 9pm to 10:15pm." The inhabitnats of the entire gate shared a communal sigh of frustration. As I slouched in my seat with annoyance the girl across from me made a similar gesture, we caught eyes and smiled at one another. I knew that I had a brief window of opportunity to break the ice.
I immediatley thought that I would walk over and say something about the flight or something indicating our similar situation and common enemy (the delayed flight). As I was getting up she grabbed her cell-phone and called someone, so I sat back down and waited.

As her conversation dragged on I realized that my window of opportunity had closed. I tried to think of how I'd open the lines of communication within the next hour and a half, but didn't come up with anything good.
Her conversation ended and she went back to reading her book. I figured I'd take my old approach of meeting women, which is basically just to suck it up, walk over, and say hi with no 'line' in mind. I got up and immediately chickened out, centrally because 1) haven't done it in so long and 2) because she was so attractive. I guessed she was used to getting unwanted attention and was especially good at repelling it, so I figured I needed an especially good line to get things started... Cause even in the past I didn't approach girls that were this attractive.

In chickening out I walked around the tiny terminal area trying to somehow attract attention to myself while thinking of what I was going to do. Frustrated, I thought, "I really need a cigarette." Although, I didn't want to have to walk down this extremely long corridor and go through the metal detectors again upon my return, then it hit me.. I'd do just that.

I walked over to the girl and got her attention, I was taking off my bag as I was going to ask her to hold it when she finished my statement for me, "You want me to watch your bag? sure."
Delighted at her response and the ice nearly being broken I walked off to have a cigarette.

As I returned and sat near her I thanked her for watching it. I was about to start a conversation when she asked if I could watch her bag. I agreed and she was off. While she was gone I tried to consider what I'd say.. and honestly, I can't remember what I did say, something about the flight being delayed I'm sure. I remember one of the first things she said is that she saw a movie recently and that I looked like a guy in it, of which I didn't really consider until later as being a compliment.

We chatted for over an hour (because the plane was further delayed) and it turned out that we both live fairly close to one another and that she is 19. The fact that she was 19 was quite a big shock to me considering I nearly never talk to or consider involving myself with people who are younger than me. However, she seemed quite mature given her age.

Later, the plane started boarding and I was expecting that she'd go running off into gate as soon as it opened, but she didn't. We continued talking and I figured that it was fairly probable that I wouldn't see or talk to this girl again, so I asked if it was alright if we exchanged numbers. We did and got onto the plane.

It turned out that she was only sitting a few seats in front of me, and as the plane took off I realized that the seat near me was empty. She also saw that it was empty and I coerced her into jumping over to the vacant spot near me. We continued talking through the flight and I really found the conversation to be quite good. It really amazed me that I was having such a pleasant and causual conversation with such an extremely attractive girl.

In feeling a little blown away I had to ask her if any of it was awkward for her. She didn't understand what I meant, so I pointed out that she must get a lot of male attention and I was hoping that I wasn't just another annoying male sutor. She assured me that I wasn't. She did explain that she does get a good amount of male attention, but she rarely responds to it. So the fact that we were actually talking was an indication of there being some genuine mutual interest.

Before the plane landed we made tentative plans to go see a movie and possibly get dinner within the next couple weeks. When the plane started making it's descent she went back to her seat to get her things ready for departure. Her seat was in front of mine and I lost her in the crowd of people shuffling out of the airplane aisles.

As I was making my way out of the plane I was thinking, "Well, that was really satisfying.. I hope that we actually hang out!." I got out of the plane and noticed that she was waiting for me, which I thought was considerate and sweet (something I'm fairly unaccustomed to). We walked through the airport and continued talking while we looked for our rides and moved around as a unit, which was reminiscent of being in a relationship... which was nice..

We stood out on the departures platform as cars drove by.. It was nice sharing this transitory moment with someone fresh and new. While reveling in the moment and ejoying the summer night, her ride came. We had our goodbyes and that was it!

So, we're supposed to meet up this weekend, but we'll see. Even if nothing comes of it, I feel satisfied at the fact that I dusted off my social skills and am completely capable of meeting new and attractive people.. I've also been realizing that I don't have a very hard time relating to most anyone.

but yeah, the rest of the trip was horrible. However, Chicago is a really beautiful city. I'm planning on going back in August.. hopefully that trip will be more fun.

P.S. if I refer to this girl in the future, I'll call her Jailbait. =P

Wednesday, June 14, 2006


So, I've just been sitting around today and figure I'd talk more about my sunday encounter and just what's been going on with me lately... cause I have been fairly open on my other blog about how I'm feeling, but at the same time I don't want to be overly so I guess.. largely because I know Catch 22 doesn't check this site anymore (or at least assume that she doesn't).


I was spending time with a friend who was celebrating my belated birthday. We went out to eat and then spent some time just hanging around. As we were hanging out I appreciated his company, but just had the impulse to get back home so I could call her to see what she was up to. (just for the purposes of having some name I'll call her Hope).

I got home and knew she had work in the morning, so I didn't want to inconvenience her too much. She agreed to hang out, but admitted that she wanted to go to bed within a couple hours and was fairly tired. I showed up at her house a few minutes later (we live close to one another). We were both being highly indecisive as to what we were going to do, it was either watch a movie, watch TV, sit on her portch and talk, or find a nice field and lay a blanket down and enjoy the night.

Minutes later we were in my car traversing the town looking for a nice open patch of grass to stop at. We ended up finding an empty baseball field to lay the blanket down. As we did she laid down on one side and I sat on the other. We talked for a while about random subjects and this time I tried to let her steer the conversation more, because the previous hang-out I had spent the majority of the time talking and not allowing her to get more than a few words in. As she spoke I changed positions to lay on my stomach instead of awkwardly sitting on the edge of the blanket.

As the night went on the temperature dropped. I was laying on one side of the blanket and she started rolling herself up in her side, which incidentally made her get closer and closer to me. Once the cold really started bothering me I tried to do the same with the blanket, but I was pushed so far over on the edge that I couldn't get any of it to cover me.
I started awkwardly rotating while keeping some distance between us. She picked up on what I was trying to do and made a joke at the fact that I couldn't get anything more than a tiny triangle of fabric over one of my legs. She told me that I could move closer, but I was hesitant to do so, however with the cold at my back I was forced to move in close.

She pulled the excess blanket over me as I put my arm around her stomach and nestled my nose against her shoulder. I asked her if it was awkward, but she said it wasn't. We looked at the stars and tried to pick out constellations, but we were only able to find the big-dipper. I started making my own ficticious ones and it ended up being fairly entertaining. She interrupted my constellation making to say, "mmm, warm." I turned my attention away from the sky and found my place against her shoulder again. I again wrapped my arm around her stomach and lightly pulled at her hip, she inched closer and put her legs over mine.

We carried on some small-talk when every few minutes she's re-position her legs to nestle me closer and closer to her. Eventually we were a single unit with no gaps between us, I felt calm and I could tell that she did too. It was peaceful in the silence of the night, just listening to one another's voice in the warm company of our mutual body-heat sustained under the make-shift cotton tent.
Once we were joined with both of her legs over mine and my knees turned in under her legs she started pushing her heels against the back of my thighs, edging my crotch closer to her's. On one final push she pressed mine right up against her's, I noticed a surge of warmth emanating from her lower region. At this point the conversation dropped, we both kind of fell into this peaceful meditation state. We started talking again and she admitted that she was getting tired, I knew that I should have probably been getting ready to go too, but I just didn't feel like moving. We laid there for a moment both looking at eachother when I broke the gaze and again nestled my face snugly into her shoulder. In the peace and warmth I noticed something was happening, I was starting to have an erection and I knew that it was pressing against her crotch directly. For some reason I didn't care or try to reposition myself. Around that time she said, "I should probably go." Feeling bad, as though I had somehow made her feel awkward I agreed to leave. As I did she looked at me and closed her eyes and said, "but not just yet, I'm so comfortable."

We laid there in silence with my pulsating member pushing against her crotch. I looked up at her and saw a peaceful expression on her face looking back at me. It seemed like the perfect time for an overly romantic first kiss when I was overcome with feelings of guilt. I moved away from her slightly and said, "are you ready to go?" She wanted to stay a little longer, but decided to leave a couple minutes later.

I drove her home and stopped briefly in her driveway, she hugged me goodbye and made tentative plans to see me in a week. I reminded her that I was going to Chicago, when I did she leaned back over the center of the car and gave me a long and extended hug, as though I was going to be gone for some significant period of time. I reassured her I'd only be gone for a couple weeks and she opted to possibly come up to New York to visit me.
We had our goodbyes and I was off.

Since Sunday up until now something has felt off to me. I started stewing on my guilty feeling I felt during that 'perfect moment' we shared earlier. I started to realize that when I was with Hope I was really fantasizing, on some level, that I was holding Catch 22. I started to see that I've really just been trying to replace Catch 22 with someone at this point, but the reality is that in so many ways I feel like I still belong to her. I found it ironic that I was capable of feeling guilty for gaining feelings for and being physically close with someone else since Catch 22 has been sleeping around with someone else for the past month (maybe even longer, I don't know). I feel like I have every right to be affectionate or even sexual with someone else given the situation, but there's just something that's still bothering me.

I guess the real issue is that on some level I still feel like I want to be with Catch 22, but know that it can't work between us. We have too much history and too many mistakes between us. The last time her and I spoke I knew that things were over.. and as a result I tried to make myself as repulsive and threatening as possible just so it'd be easier for both of us to move on.. but it's still been difficult, I know that I really do still care about her, even to the point that I'd totally destroy my character in her eyes in order to make it easier for her to move on.. but the part of the equation I didn't count on is me continuing to hang on..

I don't know really what's going to happen in the future with me and Hope, going the way things are going we'll probably get together and I sincerely hope that I stop feeling like she's just a replacement.. cause that'll mean I end up hurting her in the end, which means I'd be hurting myself.

Final note:

Still haven't heard back about my catsuit! GRRRR!

In response to Closetmonster: indeed, these pining pangs really do suck quite a bit, but none the less it has been a learning experience. I'm actually hoping that once I get my new catsuit + camera and have some time to dress up and take pictures, I'll be able to portion out some of the biological and psychological aspects of what I'm feeling. Because I feel like in a lot of ways when one gets out of a serious relationship they are dealing with 3 things; a routine change, social situation change, and the loss of their sexuality (on some level).
I feel like the routine change solves itself with time.
The social change also solves itself with time, as long as one has friends and other people to talk to who are around and available.
However, with most good moral people, they aren't able to really regain their sexuality until they get into a new relationship. Now, since my sexuality functions a little differently than most peoples, I feel like it's going to take a different type of coping method with me compared to your average person.

In terms of physical closeness/sexuality, I have 2 good options right now (options = people), however I don't want to use either of them merely for sex. So I figure if I decide to start a relationship with either of them, then my normal physical/biological need for sex will be fulfilled without having to use or hurt anyone. Sounds pretty ideal, right?

So on the psychological end; since I've started dressing up in rubber and as Anima I've noticed something interesting occur. In the past upon dressing I've felt something happen within me, I've felt satisfied, as though I had finally been able to quench this thirst that I've had since I was very young. In the past, being with Catch 22 aided in me feeling secure enough with myself and my fetish to do this in the first place, but now that she's gone I think it's very important that I maintain this part of myself.. And honestly, I don't feel any worse about it since the relationship ended, because I make the final judgment about myself and I know it's something good.

So I'm really hoping my catsuit comes soon so I can dress up!! cause I think it'll be really good for me...

and as far as having a rubber play-mate, I'm fairly certain I'll have one by september/october, but I'll talk more about that later.

Monday, June 12, 2006


ahh, things are going well for me!

in my mundane life I feel like I'm getting more and more open and through this blog along with an overall sense of pride and security I am getting more comfortable with myself along with my fetish. I'm hoping in the next couple months I'll be able to open up to more people about my latex lust..
I'm excited!

in other news: I hung out with 'her' again, I just couldn't stay away.
It's so nice just being around positive energy. XP

Saturday, June 10, 2006

"You'd make an ugly girl" ; P

Okay. Well, I'm realizing that this blog is probably going to pick up a lot of the slack from my other blog for the next month or so. The reason? becasue this is really my only outlet where I can speak freely because no one I know in real life checks it.

So, I've been uncontrollably gushing to my friends about the *date* I went on last night, but I had to continually cut myself short because I felt like it was rude to just go on and on about it. However, I feel like I need to talk about it, so here is just as good a place as any.

It was really interesting to meet someone and immediately (within one night) form a solid bond and understanding with them. It was actually kind of depressing in the way that I feel like I connected better with this girl than I ever really did with Catch 22, but at the same time makes me feel much more hopeful about the future.

It was also really refreshing to spend time with a group of people who were full of positive energy, good morals, and a real understanding of the human condition. It reminded me of earlier portions of my life when I'd almost exclusively hang out with people that were older than me because I felt like they had a similar understanding of life and relationships. So it was nice to be surrounded by an older group and interacting heavily with someone who had more years of experience with life than I did. It reminded me why I used to only date girls who were 2+ years older than me.

As the night progressed I had only intended on spending a couple hours with her, but we ended up hanging out together for over 8 hours. My cheeks hurt from laughing so much and I was reveling in her company. I haven't ever met a girl who could make me laugh so consistently and hard that I can remember.

To the slightly more fetish/sexual related material of the evening:

Upon first meeting her the first thing I noticed was how unbelievably tight her clothes were and of course, how unbelievably in-shape she is. After some talking it became clear that her and I shared somewhat similar views in having a passion for dance, however she seemed to carry out her passion more... passionately, resulting in an obscenely nice body.

Once we were alone I started trying to hint at and start picking apart how she saw sexuality, however this proved to be a somewhat difficult task (mainly because we had both previously been talking about bad relationships we have been in where we have been cheated on). So bringing up the idea of sexuality was a little sensitive, and it wasn't nearly as successful as I had originally hoped it would have been, but there'll be chances in the future.

Anyway, I started off with gender. Calmly breaking the ice by telling her of an anecdote when a cashier mistook me for a girl. We both laughed and she looked at me for a few seconds in silence, she then started to chuckle again and I asked her what she thought was so funny. She said, "You'd make an ugly girl!" I laughed briefly and tried to then maneuver the conversation to deviant sexuality (S&M, bondage, etc.). We carried on a somewhat intellectual and removed conversation about it, but nothing interesting. Around that point we decided to go inside and watch a movie.

She turned off the lights and we sat with about 2 feet between us, but over the course of an hour that became no space at all because she spent that time edging closer and closer to me. We started to watch the lengthy extra-features with our heads resting on eachother's and I continually directed my attention away from the television screen and over to her stomach/legs outstretched in front of me. I was entranced by the tiny patch of flesh peeking out between her snugly fitting faded cotton t-shirt and skin-tight jeans. I rode my eyes over the ridges in the taught denim near her crotch to accommodate the sheer stress on the fabric.
Her dress style is fitting of her personality, because it isn't that she is 'slutty', but rather that she is so comfortable and proud of her body that she feels comfortable showing it off.. a trait that I've known many dancers to have, but never have I been this close to it.

I feel like I would be fairly comfortable telling her about my latex fetish once we get into a somewhat relevant conversation, centrally because she has come off to be an extremely open and accepting person. Plus, given the clothes she wears and carrying the attitude and confidence of a dancer, I actually think she would be more than happy to try it out.

As we finished all the special features on the DVD she turned the lights back up and the television off. She sat back on the couch and I laid my head on her lap and looked up at her chest/face. We talked briefly, but I soon realized that she was nearly ready to pass out given that it was almost 5am and she had gotten up that day at 6am. So I figured I'd save the rest for another day and left.

From spending time together it became abundantly clear that she was interested in me (body language, certain comments, and her constant attempts to be as physically close with me as possible). Through the night I did heavily consider moving to a sexual/physical stage, however I felt like it would be better to wait, and better not to involve myself with someone that I don't know all that well just yet.

As I left she could hardly keep her eyes open, but still wanted me to stay. It was nice to have my company so wanted and appreciated. As I made it to the door I felt like it would have been completely called for to have a kiss goodnight, but knew that I didn't want to move in that direction for the night. So I gave her a hug and was suddenly surprised at how she held me, she pulled me close and pressed her hands tightly around my back. I hugged back, but was surprised at the fullness of her personality as expressed through her hug.. I also noticed how taught her body felt against mine, plus it has been a long time since I've had real breasts pressed against me...

So all in all! a good night and the definite potential for something more and regardless if anything happens, given her personality, I do intend on telling her about my latex fetish.. So I'm excited!

In more directly fetish related news:
Still no catsuit! grrrr. I e-mailed the company yesterday, but haven't heard back. I'm guessing I won't get a reply until monday, and even if it comes next week I won't be able to pick it up cause I'm going to be in Chicago!! Yargh! I so want to dress up,
plus, everyone around me has been telling me how I'm looking thinner and thinner, so it'll be an especially good opportunity to have a more feminine look!

Friday, June 09, 2006

it's come to my attention

So, Catch 22 was cheating on me and the breakup was just a front so she could start a new relationship.. Hmm, what a nice end to 3 years.

I found this out earlier today..
and my first date with someone new? Tomorrow. Yuuh, I work fast.. and she's a dancer! I'm excited.

In other news; I'm gearing up to head out to various lands in about a month and I'm realizing that I'm eating up money like crazy. So I don't think I'll be getting any new rubber gear anytime soon :(
although, my ads have gotten me 7 dollars so far. So I'm seven dollars closer to something!

I also haven't yet received my catsuit nor my new camera.. I just e-mailed the company about the catsuit and I'm HOPING it'll be here next week..

other news, other news... I've started to realize that I really do see fetishism as pure sexuality, while I see sex as something meaningful. However, there's a girl in my class now who is a dance instructor who seems overly interested in talking to me. Which is nice of course, because I hate always having to be the one to initiate conversation.. and it doesn't hurt that I spend all day every day drooling over her. It's been a while that the mere presence of someone results in constant erections, but that's not going to develop into anything, centrally because I don't want to be bound to NY after this month ends... and furthermore, I'm just not going to put the effort in cause from talking to her I've realized that our interests are at different ends of the spectrum.

From the past 3 years with Catch 22 I've really realized that fetishism, latex and masking are central to how I carry on romantic relationships. With all the girls I've messed around with (in any serious way, not just 'hooking up') I've, at some point, incorporated latex. The first one took to it decently well at first, but then got tired of it. The second didn't take to it well at the beginning, then it grew on her, then it faded, then it grew, and it just cycled. The third thought it was really cool and was extremely excited about it.. I actually had her dancing around in my polymorph catsuit (that I've taken all my pictures with) and it was especially nice cause we're both about the same height/size so we could share clothes.. it almost seems too perfect!! hmm, I'm really going to have to get back in touch with her (no pun intended).

The thing is, I've had three fairly strong hits and no real misses with bringing up and using latex with girls I have been involved with. So I don't think it's out of the question that this trend will continue. So hopefully at somepoint in the semi-near future I'll get involved enough with someone to incorporate them into this site..
Also, because of the way I've seen how fetish really IS a part of who I am, I think I'm going to start bringing it out earlier. Cause in my first relationship... well I told her about it the first day we went out, but never told her about masking. The second girl I told her about latex about a month into the relationship, then told her about masking about a year into it. And the third I told her about rubber within week of involvement, but never masking.

I've come to realize that I'm pretty secure about the idea of rubber and letting others know about it, but masking is a much more sensitive issue for me. I know that I'll be telling my next serious partner about it, I just don't know how or when, cause I always find it awkward.. However, my latex discussion I've already got down to a basic science.

NEway, that's it for now.. the adventures of the weekend begins in 15 hours!

Friday, June 02, 2006

happy birthday to me!

turning 23 today!!

the birthday present I got for myself still hasn't arrived :(
but I'm hoping it gets here soon!

Hope everyone has a good June 2nd.

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