Tuesday, May 30, 2006

one at a time, please.

Ok Ok, you don't all have to welcome my homecoming at once!
(hmm, it's a little difficult to express sarcasm without any sort of voice inflection)

Well I'm back and school has already started once again for me. So there's not much fun to be had over on my end.
The trip itself was quite an experience. Before I left I had incidentally found a few sites that detailed fetish clubs/stores in Montreal. It seemed like the city was bursting with latex-related shops and venues, but upon getting there and spending hours driving around the city none were found. However, I wasn't actually looking for any, just hoping we may run across a couple by chance.

The central feature about the trip that I found interesting was spending the time with the 3 other guys that I went with. I've been friends with all of them for a few years now, but I have never been around any of them for more than a few hours at a time let alone 9 days.

I quickly realized that they were very much "normal guys" in the way they saw sexuality. Throughout our time together my friends were constantly talking about breasts, penises, and a variety of orifices. They all cracked extremely sexual jokes and made a point to call attention to attractive women whenever they saw them. They even pointed out every billboard with a 'hot chick' on them.

I found it all strange and alienating.
Because of my different views of women, sexuality, masculinity, and relationships it caused a number of heated discussions that never went anywhere. They all saw the ideal woman to be one of two things; a slave to their boyfriends/husbands or a sexual object. To them; a woman who was unattractive was as good as living garbage and only worthy of 'an easy fuck'.

It was truly appalling dealing with them, but at the same time gave me an enormous amount of perspective on how most guys operate. So in looking at this trip anthropologically I started to try to understand how they saw themselves as well as other men in the world.

Each of them saw sex as something that is purely sexual (which I guess doesn't sound weird when you say it, but seems like a foreign idea to me). They admitted that love and emotional attachment can co-exist with sex, but is rare and unnecessary. None of them had problems with the idea of prostitution and they all participated in the solicitation of it.
2 of them have long-term girlfriends and one of them is just starting to date someone new. They all spent the entire time saying how they'd 'love to fuck' about half of the girls we saw on the trip and one actually paid for oral sex on multiple occasions.

Every time I repelled female attention or didn't pay for some sexual favor they all flocked around me telling me that something was wrong with me. They all believed that after ending a relationship the best thing to do is... well, get under someone to get over someone. However, that just wasn't an option for me. If there was one person that I wanted to be with, it was my ex.. and even if I were over her, then the larger issue would be the fact that I don't just mess around with people physically. I went through a phase when I did do that years ago, but now I don't cross any physical boundaries unless there's love or at least the clear potential for it in the future.

I find it upsetting that their views are literally the norm as can be reflected in society.. I mean, strip clubs and pornography aren't booming businesses for no reason.. it's because the world is predominantly filled with guys like these friends of mine.

I hated feeling so much like an outsider and I hated even more that I've always and still hold the idea that women are equal to men in the sense that we are all human beings, that women are to be cherished and appreciated, not used and abused, that in relationships both parties should be liberated by the other and not controlled, but even in putting all these ideals to practice I was the one of the four men without someone waiting at home for me while away. I was the only one who let his girlfriend be free in the relationship, I was the only one who empathized with his partner, and I was the only one who didn't cheat on his girlfriend because he truly felt no desire to... and I was the only one who wasn't able to maintain what was sacred, I was the only one who was alone..

It almost made me question my beliefs, but the idea of merely abandoning what I truly feel to be right was just not an option.. I guess this experience will only make me stronger, it's just a matter of finding that silver lining and living it out.

P.S. -
Does anyone know of any digital cameras I can get that has a remote so I can take pictures without actually holding/touching the camera?

Monday, May 29, 2006

I'm baaaack

Well, I'm back from Canada. It was lots of fun, got lots of perspective on my current situation/life.

overall, a good time.. plus I've got a few fun stories to share here, but they'll have to wait until I can see straight, cause I just got home and have been sitting in a car for the past 10 hours..

g'nite everyone.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006


so it's been a little while since my last entry.. esp a fetish related one.
Well, I'm sorry to disappoint once again, because this isn't a latex or masking post.

Just kinda wanted to let everyone know I'm still alive.. just barely.

I've gotten contacted by quite a few people offering their condolences/sympathy/insight about the situation. So thanks to everyone who's gotten in touch, it means a lot to me. It's just at this point I need some time before I can get my head back into the whole 'fetish' thing.

So what better way to get away from an unpleasant situation?
flee the country!
that's right, I'm leaving the US for a little over a week.. however, the internal stuff follows you anywhere you go, but it'll be nice not to have to worry about bumping into my ex and having her totally brush me off like she never knew me.. (cause that was lots of fun)

WELL, that's it for now! Check back in early June and make sure to wish me a happy birthday! haha

Saturday, May 13, 2006

the long-short of it

Well, my gf ended the relationship yesterday. It was really out of nowhere, because overall things have been a lot better.
Am I annoyed? yeah
upset? yeah

The implications for this site:
I'm not entirely sure. I mean, my central purpose in making this site was to inform her about the fetish.. and now that doesn't seem like it matters at all because we're not together anymore.
I'm having a lot of trouble seeing myself writing much or thinking about latex and masking in the near future. Which leaves me with a few options;
1) talk about sexuality and human relationships in the depth to the point of discussing taboo's
2) talk more about myself and a further removed depiction of the fetish
3) a more in-depth discussion about my own feelings with sexuality of which I haven't explored before.

I'm thinking I'll make a mix of all three.. Plus, photos are really gonna take a hard hit cause of this. I suppose I'll either have to set up a web-cam or get a camera with either a remote or timer and a tri-pod.

Cause in making this site and having people read it, I've made a commitment to myself and readers of which I don't want to break. Not to say I feel committed, but rather I am committed.

Also, future plans that have been dashed; my gf and I were planning on trying to make latex garments and female masks ourselves. She already bought all the materials for mask-making and was in the process of making a bust, but now.. the project is a bust. So that's really unfortunate, cause I was looking forward to that for a while. We were also hoping to sell anything that was made that anyone would be interested in, but! no more.

Anyway, I'll either be posting a lot more or a lot less, but one thing is sure. There'll certainly be far fewer pictures till I find some solution to my camera problem =P

Friday, May 12, 2006

kink in the plan

Well, a big kink has come up in the plans for today. I'll write more about it soon, just not now.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006


I've noticed that since I have added the 'donations' button on the lower right that it's gotten no hits..
now, I didn't expect that people would be lining up to voluntarily shove their money at me, but I was kind of hoping that at least one person in the past month or so would be so kind as to donate something towards my new catsuit!

But, I guess it's just human nature. why inconvenience yourself if you don't have to?
So I'm not blaming anyone cause I know that I don't pay money for anything unless I really have to or am getting something in exchange.
I mean, you all would be benefiting by helping me add to my latex collection, so I could have more stuff to wear, which would equal more interesting pictures for you to look at! =P

(like so)
but it's a long-road.

Now left in this dilemma where I need some extra cash for rubber gear, but not wanting to make a pay site I've been considering putting ads up here to generate some sort of additional revenue because it's looking like the money I have and will be making will all be going towards living. That's not to say that I won't be getting any more rubber gear, but I am saying that my purchasing will certainly slow down. So it would be nice to have some additional money made that directly goes into rubber gear.
cause according to my site-meter I get a decent amount of traffic per day/month, so if there's a lot of people coming through here, then presumably there should be some people clicking these adds (I'm not saying you have to or should, cause I'd be bound by a contract not to say that), but it may give me some extra cash which could wholly go towards rubber.. and honestly, latex is expensive, but not that expensive.

Although, I haven't done ads ever before, so there might be some obnoxious thing floating around somewhere here in the near future.. but i'll try to keep the ads 1) to a minimum and 2) not too hard on the eyes.

Monday, May 08, 2006

the other side of self

So it's been known that people tend to attract to others that are of a similar attractiveness level as themselves.
It's also known that people tend to date those who are like them; personality, race, etc.
It's also been hypothesized that people gravitate to people who actually look like them; some narcissistic theory that hasn't been validated.

Put it all together, you're basically attracted to people who look and act like yourself.
It seems a little odd, but makes a lot of sense, mainly because we may be drawn to the exotic, but we stay with what is comfortable, and what's more comfortable than ourselves?

Well, I have another theory, for men at least.
The few times when I've dressed up, when looking in the mirror or at pictures I think, that is an attractive person. It seems a little odd to trick my own mind into thinking that I'm someone different, which I guess is half the fun of masking and the whole idea behind losing one's self in objectification.
Then in later observations of how a lot of couples behave I noticed that there's usually a girl who is doing something and guy who is hanging off her, constantly trying to get her attention and warding off any potential competitors.. The guy typically trying to convince their girlfriends to see things their way as well as coercing them into activities of their choosing.. Basically trying to make them as much like themselves as possible.
Sometimes it makes me think that guys are trying to essentially live out any sort of femininity of their own through their girlfriends.. and it got me thinking about how guys don't and socially 'aren't allowed' to live out any of those feelings. So instead of doing it themselves, they find a girl who looks/acts a lot like them and that is how they satisfy their need.

I also made the connection between my overall contentment with my situation/relationship in reference to me masking.

So, finally to my theory, guys are attracted to girls based on who they are as people, but at the same time will always have some sort of yearning for something else. I think that 'something else' is a realization of their own feminine tendencies.
Using myself as an example, I've found myself much more comfortable in my relationship ever since 'anima's appearance. It's as though my female identity becomes more and more welled up until I need to put on the mask and suit in order to let her out, satisfying my basic urge to express myself fully. However, I think that most guys just repress and project their feminine fantasy onto their girlfriends or just find girls who are so much like them that it is simple to vicariously live out their fantasies through them.

I'm happy that I don't have this problem.. cause I don't think I'd get along with someone who's just like me.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

moment of procrastination

So I've noticed that I haven't updated in a while..
Well, there's a reason why... of which I'm sure you all can figure out.

This semester has been a real struggle and if it's given me any perspective at all on my latex/masking interests, it's been what the world looks like from an outsider's perspective. As I've discussed before, when I'm especially stressed out I tend not to think about masking or latex much at all.. and it just seems so boring (life, not masking/latex).

At this moment, the concept of masking or anything fetish related is probably the furthest thing from my mind because I've been getting conditioned to produce high amounts of output wholly concerned with correlations and null hypotheses, whether numbers will fit properly into an equation and whether the data is better suited for a table or a graph, and of course if it all really matters.

This upcoming weekend is going to be about the worst, but thankfully the last, of it. The following week I'll still have studying to do, but by contrast it'll be child's play.

In other news...
In the very near future I'm going to be transporting all my fetish gear out of NY.
Will this increase the frequency of my rubber-wearing/masking?
I have no idea at this point. I think once I'm feeling less stressed out and have less stuff due I'll be suiting up more. I've got some plans cooking for the summer that I'm excited about, but don't want to spoil by telling you all at this point.. mainly because I don't want to get anyone's hopes up just to have them dashed if something goes wrong.

In more annoying news..
Someone left me a message on one of the sites I belong to just saying, "whow :)"

Unimpressed by the message I responded with, "Thanks :P"

Then I received a follow-up message saying, "all you have to say is 'thanks'?"

how obnoxious...

OK, enough procrastinating. It's back to work for me.

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