Friday, March 31, 2006

woulda coulda.. didn't

I was going to make a post last night, but I wasn't planning on anything big.

Just wanted to inform everyone that I was taking pictures and I'd probably have some up this weekend.
Although the photoshoot wasn't the most pleasant thing in the world for a couple reasons.
1) I had to pick the hottest night in the past 6 or so months to get under 3 layers of rubber for over 3 hours (4 layers in some areas).
2) I had to pick a day when my gf was in a really bad mood.

getting into an argument while dressed as a rubber-girl was an odd experience that I'd prefer to avoid in the future.
Although, I think some of the pictures came out alright. I tried some different things with the existing gear I have. I'll discuss more in the following days.

Anyway, I need to get some sleep before I spend all weekend locked in my room writing up questionnaires, reports, and study-guides.

*response to comments

thanks for the nice words RubberNewYork. Yeah, things are going well now. It was just that one night that got a little harry

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

First Catsuit Encounter

A couple years ago I decided that I wanted to finally buy a catsuit. I had been interested in latex for… a long time. I felt like I had spent an eternity silently gazing at rubber-clad bodies and finally wanted to experience it for myself.

Originally I wanted to order one online, but I was afraid that I wouldn’t get a good fit, so early on I decided that I’d be going to a shop to try one on first.

My first stop in this search for a catsuit was DeMask. Much like my previous visit, I was nervous before going in. As the storefront came into view I decided that I’d have a cigarette before this momentous occasion. As I smoked my nerves calmed and excitement grew. I was interested in seeing how it’d feel to be covered in latex from ankle to neck. I convinced myself that it couldn’t be nearly as enjoyable as it looked, but I was in for a surprise.

When the last group of people passed the store-front I made a dash for the door. The next thing I knew I was inside. I looked around, nothing had changed since my most recent visit except for the sales person.
The girl behind the desk was the one I saw earlier, but the person walking around the store was not a female this time, it was a young guy. For some reason, whenever I’m in a sex shop I feel most at ease with women or older men. So my discovery of this young man working the place made me feel a little uneasy, but not extremely so.

I started looking through catsuits, but was only able to find female cuts. I made sure to check the prices each time to see if I had enough. I had brought a little over 400 in cash and I realized that most of them were about 450, but I would have been able supplement the rest with my debit card.

After checking the prices of a few suits I turned back to the desk to ask where the male catsuits were when I noticed that the person originally sitting at the desk had made her way over to me. She asked if I was interested in something particular, but it was clear that she was just coming over to make sure I wasn’t stealing anything.

I told her that I was interested in buying a male-cut catsuit. She immediately asked me if I had any money, which I thought was quite rude. I replied, “yes, I have money,” then displayed the hundred dollar bills in my wallet.
Her demeanor immediately changed, her questioning scowl became a smile. She turned to the male attendant who was about ten feet away and asked him if he could show me some catsuits.

He agreed then guided me to the back of the store near the changing rooms. Between the rooms was a large red vinyl couch, sitting on it was an older man in a grey pearl-sheen catsuit with a red arm-binder over it. His elbows were fastened behind his back with a ball-gag hanging around his neck and was being tended to by another woman of whom I hadn’t seen before.
My attendant told me to wait there and he’d look to see if they had anything in stock that would fit.

Moments later the bound man excitedly asked the attendant to put the ball-gag in his mouth. He looked at her wantingly while she was trying to cover her disgust. She kind of popped it in his mouth making sure not to touch him at all, she then left him for a little while.

After a couple minutes awkwardly sitting next to this balding rubberized man my attendant thankfully returned. He told me that they didn’t have any plain male catsuits in stock, but they did have a fighter pilot model or something. I told him that I wasn’t interested, but he insisted.

He showed me what he was talking about and it really wasn’t what I was looking for. We went back to the couch and I noticed that the rubber-guy was getting back into street-clothes. He was talking through the curtain to the attendant, “I like it, I’ll come back to buy it later.”
The female attendant looked pissed off, but didn’t say anything.

While the male attendant and I stood in the back discussing what we should do, the woman from the front desk came over and asked if we had found anything. When we said we hadn’t she suggested that I could try on some women’s catsuits. I was secretly delighted to hear it, but the male attendant looked skeptical.

I immediately responded, “yeah, I’ll try one of those on.”
The woman from the front desk then told the male attendant to go and get some specific size of a woman’s catsuit. He walked off into the store while the woman went to check in with the female attendant.

Seconds later my attendant came back with a girl’s black back-zip catsuit. He handed it over to me and I stepped into the curtained off area. While talc-ing up the suit he started talking to me about how he was watching old James Bond movies the other night. He then discussed how it was interesting to see them walking around in the old wet-suits which were made of rubber.
I wasn’t paying too close attention since I was focused on the oncoming sensation that was finally going to happen. After I got the suit ready, I started taking my clothes off. When I got to my underwear I figured that I’d keep them on, which I assumed was also store policy.

I sat on the bench and eased my right leg into the suit, as I did I was taken aback at how pleasurable the sensation was. I pulled my other leg in, stood up, and slid both my arms into the holes and extended them outwards. The rubber pulled closely to my chest and it felt like the material was pulling and sliding all over my body. The sensation of having the suit on far exceeded all my expectations. As I stood there reveling in the feeling the attendant broke me from my trance and asked, “do you need any help in there?”

“No, no it’s alright,” although, it wasn’t alright because I couldn’t get the back-zip up. I silently swung around behind the curtain trying to get my hand on the back-zip, but just couldn’t reach it. After struggling for a minute or so I heard a female voice, “why don’t you come out and see how it looks?”

“Yeah, just a second,” I replied. I didn’t think that I’d be paraded around the shop, so I felt a little nervous at this point. I was also afraid that I’d accidentally achieve an erection, because just from wearing it I was already partially excited. I spent a few seconds trying to lose the erection I had, but wasn’t entirely successful.
I walked out from behind the curtain backwards and asked someone to zip me up. The male attendant did and I turned around.

I noticed that along with the male attendant, the woman from the desk and female attendant were standing in a line looking at me. I immediately felt self-conscious; it was like I was naked, but even worse because while dressed in rubber it wasn’t only showing my physical form, but also my hidden fetish.
I momentarily struck a Shinji pose (when he was dressed in Asuka’s plug-suit), partially covering my chest and crotch, then shrunk back into a normal standing position. The female attendant said, “It fits pretty well.. a little loose around the thighs though.”
The male attendant then chimed in with, “Now you’re a lady.”

I looked down at my body and noticed that the area around my thighs was a little loose. I then looked at my stomach, of where it was very tight. It had shaped my mid-section into a nice hour-glass figure and then the looseness near my chest had molded my bosom into a small pair of breasts. I secretly liked the way it looked, but tried to mask my emotions. I directed my gaze back up and saw that the woman from the desk was just smiling and looking pleased at what she saw.

We all carried on some small talk when I noticed that the collar was extremely tight. I think my face started turning red when one of them asked me if I wanted to try anything else on. I declined out of courtesy, because I knew that the attendants would have to clean them off after I did. Also, even though I really liked the female suits, I wasn’t buying one that day, mainly because I hadn’t yet told my gf about my x-dressing interests.

I turned around and asked the desk-woman to unzip me, she did and I made my way back behind the curtain. I slid the catsuit off and put my street-clothes back on. I gave the vacant rubber-body back to the male attendant and walked over to the front-desk. I asked the woman there what I should do about getting a catsuit. She told me that she could put me on a waiting list and they’d have more in stock in about a month. I gave her my e-mail and left.

I figured I didn’t want to wait a month, so I looked up another shop. That shop being Purple Passion which I visited the next day… but that’s a different story in itself. =P

And to this day I haven’t gotten an e-mail back from them about the catsuit.
Needless to say, I’m not a big fan of the DeMask in NYC.

Saturday, March 25, 2006


Around the time I first installed my site-meter I noticed that i always got the highest number of visitors on Wednesday. This struck me as a little odd, but I didn't pay too much attention to it.

Just now I reviewed my page-loads for the past month and realized that this trend has ended. Now, for the most part, the popular days are Saturday, Sunday, and Monday.
This makes a little more sense, since most people have their weekends off, so they have more free time, so it's more likely they'll come check me out. However, Monday is still a bit of a mystery.
Maybe there's an overflow from sunday night that seeps into monday morning, who knows. Just since my area of study is centered around asking why, I figured I'd ask it..

looking through my site-meter I also noticed that I'm not getting as many page-loads as I did in late February, but I now have more recurrent visitors and more people who are staying longer than before. So I guess it's quality over quantity.

Also, I get 150+ visitors most days, so I don't want to complain or anything. It's a lot more than I thought I'd get in the first place. Originally I was hoping for just a few visitors a day, but now it seems like I've gotten a lot more popular.
so hooray for me! (patting myself on the back)

With all this traffic it's got me thinking about the people who come to visit my site. I know most of you remain quiet by the large disparity in e-mails I get and page-loads my site receives. I've got to assume with all the people checking my page there've got to at least be a few of you who are old enough to be my parents, which is fine, but I wonder if it really makes a difference to any of the viewers who have children that I'm as young as I am.
It's hard for me to consider what it'd be like if I had kids and I found out they had a fetish of any sort.. honestly, I don't think it would really bother me, aside from having to make a shift in seeing them in a sexual context.. the same way parents react when they catch their kids with condoms or something.

On the other end of the age-spectrum; I'm curious if there are any especially young viewers. I started scoping out masking/latex sites when I was in middle-school, so I don't think it's too far fetched. I also don't see a problem with it. I remember nearly every time I visited a latex/masking related chat-room I'd always get shut-down by the other people when I told them my age. They'd always be disgusted to hear how young I was, so I eventually learned not to be so forthcoming about my age.

The age disgust is something I don't really get, from young to old we're all sexual creatures.. and the reality of the latex and masking fetish is that it's not pornography. You're looking at clothed bodies that are rarely caught in intercourse, I guess it kind of depends on what site you're looking at, but all the places I check are not pornographic ones. So I'd like to encourage people of all ages to read and speak up if you feel the urge..


I feel kind of bad for the lack of content over the past couple weeks, but I've just been so Forking busy.. hopefully in the next week or so it'll let up a bit.

Oh yeah, my urge to mask/wear rubber has been building back up to it's normal healthy state. So that's been good. I was beginning to worry about it's absence.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

So I saw that my site was starting to look like it had too much text and not enough images. Since I don't have the time nor initiative to suit up myself, I contacted and asked if I could post some pictures of theirs. They gave me permission, so here they are.

I stumbled across Pretty-Pervy’s site only a couple months ago. When I first did I wasn’t all that impressed, I mean their stuff looked good, but nothing go crazy about.

Later on in a RubberPal forum someone pointed out that their inflatable stuff was incredible. Well, I checked it out and I have to agree, it’s pretty amazing stuff. It was really cool to see how the designers were able to conceptually change the human form in most every way possible. Even more impressive, they were able to actually carry out these structural designs and bring them into reality with just rubber and air.

::Martian Queen::

I really like this design.
It’s relatively simple and for the most part just looks like a finely made latex dress. The area where it really takes off is the hood. I’m amazed at how they were able to shape it so well and still make it functional. I also think that the black stripes around the eyes are quite a nice touch. It’s also interesting in how the shape of the hood is actually more like that of an egg opposed to a sphere, which I’m sure took a lot more measuring, cutting, and exact dimensions to reduce ripples.

::Toxic Toadstool::

This design is quite interesting also.
I’m not sure if it’s all a single suit or comprised of pieces, either way it all comes together amazingly.
The exaggerated breasts I think we’ve all seen before, but having the nipples carrying tassels at the end is a nice touch; kind of reasserting their inanimate and superficial nature being born from a natural female form.
It’s also of interest in how the designer decided to exaggerate the rear to such an immense degree. It makes me think of what would happen if a modern dress swallowed a Victorian style one. The whole look reminds me very much of Alice in Wonderland, which sounds a bit weird, but should be a huge compliment because it’s rare that someone can create something that so truthfully brings fantasy to reality.

::Queen Prawn::

Well, the point of interest, if it’s not obvious enough, is the mask. It seems like a lot of the designs at pretty pervy have a somewhat similar look, but this one takes it to a real extreme. It’s kind of fun how they exaggerated the size up to such an absurd point that it crosses the line of practicality and dives head-first into the fantastic.

::The Bug::

This design is really cool.
Normally when latex designs try to deviate from the normal look they still carry a very humanoid, bipedal cut. With the bug however they have changed the entire structure of the human body, creating something completely different.
Also the detail on this item is amazing; the claws at the ends of the feet (all four of them), the spikes on the back outlined in green, the tail, the inflatable side-horns, it’s all just incredible.
The part about the whole design that’s really exciting is the fact that it looks completely natural, drawing on existing forms and putting them all together in a garment, worn by a human, but appearing to be an insect-like reptile creature all the while using known forms and material; the gas mask, latex, etc. All of this giving the appearance of some completely strange creature that’s totally erotic.

::Intergalactic Horny Thing::

This one is really my favorite, I just can’t get over how cool this overall design is. It seems like this suit was made for the model, which it probably was. There are no folds and it’s completely smooth, it’s really as though it’s a second skin for her.

It’s interesting how the design really plays off of the material of the costume. The curvy and distinguished lines help accentuate the model’s figure along with emulating a similar effect of natural forms.

The idea of the outfit itself is interesting in how it draws on human sexuality through the inflatable breasts and dildo. However, when both are put together it creates this fantastic overtly sexual hermaphroditic being.
Yet the enlarged stomach and buttocks are a little curious. (on the right)

(pic of IHT and pigbitch)

It’s as though the designer was drawing all sexual cues found in the human form, beyond just genitalia. I mean, the enlarged rear ties in with the universal beauty ideal chest/waist/hip proportions in women, along with… well there’s no evolutionary advantage to having a big ass aside from potentially having large hips for child-baring, but I think most everyone knows that the rear has become a sexual cue for both men and women.

The inflated stomach is the part that I find really interesting. Pregnancy is generally not something that is depicted in a sexual context, if anything it’s something that removes women from the sexual arena, but one can clearly see that this design is sexy, even if they don’t think it is personally.
(I really like this picture becuase the content and background makes it seem so much more human. You can actually 'see' the person inside)

Some ways that pregnancy is culturally seen is in relation to fertility, reproduction, the life cycle, etc. juxtaposed to this overtly sexual hermaphroditic outfit.
Interestingly, hermaphrodites have been highly sexualized (typically in art, but in other areas too), however they lack the ability to conceive. That is to basically say, hermaphrodites can’t get pregnant.

So adding an enlarged stomach to a hermaphroditic humanoid form is an interesting way of applying a full, futile, and distinctively female essence to an otherwise genderless being.

If I really want to go out on a limb I could connect the penis to power, then all the other features to the feminine, ultimately creating a complete version of empowered womanhood, BUT I really don’t feel like going into that arena.
I just wish that I had this outfit! But unfortunately I don’t have (what I assume to be) a few thousand bucks to drop on such a thing.

::personal update::
Tonight and tomorrow are going to be terrible as far as work goes. Also turns out next week won’t be so great either, but not nearly as bad as this one. I’m hoping to actually do a little relaxing this weekend, but I’ll see I guess.
In the meantime I’ll be doing research and writing up papers.

Monday, March 20, 2006

Good Grief!

Ah, so RubberPal is back up. Good.

Anyway, my spring break is over, today is nearly over, and I only have 1 more mid-term to finish before I'm done with the lot.

The past couple weeks, not to mention this one, has been extremely stressful. I was a bit disappointed to find myself doing and thinking more about work than I have in previous weeks. I mean, isn't spring break supposed to be a relaxing time for students?
well, it wasn't for me. Also this week is shaping up to be even worse, however I'll see how it plays out.

In the past few days and even now, I've been thinking about fetish, latex, masking, etc. and honestly, I haven't felt all that into it. I'm attributing my sharp decline in interest to stress.

Aside from being a little disconcerning, I've found it enlightening.
It's been interesting to see the world as I imagine most people do. Doing work, spending free time with friends, watching movies, and entertaining one's self with other somewhat bland hobbies. Then in the space between just think about random things; like future purchases or accomplishments.

It was nice being able to be upfront and open about my thoughts and feelings at any given time, because they were all so... normal. Although, throughout I felt entirely void of sexuality, which is a state I'm rarely in. This is not to suggest I'm an overtly sexual guy, cause I'm not. S'just that rubber and masking are generally on my mind, especially if I'm just sitting around looking as though I'm spaced out.

I've kind of been missing the fetish, but just don't have time for it... this week at least. I can't even get into the proper mind-state to write anything, I guess it'll just take some time to come back to me. I imagine it won't be too long, cause there have been brief periods like this in the past.
So we will see!

*response to Arran and Closetmonster*

Yeah, I believe that my interest in fetish definitely fluctuates along with my work-load. So it is currently dead, but should be resurrected soon enough. I actually found out that this week is going to be a lot more hectic than I originally thought.. UGH! but hopefully by the weekend I'll be able to relax a little.

I also agree that my desire to dress/mask definitely will increase given certain situations, like being alone or unattended for a while. However, I'd connect this growing desire more with a hunger or thirst where I am eventually compelled to satisfy it, than with murderous tendencies =D
but I do know what you mean.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Latex Friend?

is it just my computer or has Rubber Pal been down for a few days?

Friday, March 17, 2006

College Life

I'm taking a little break from work, so I figured I'd put something up.. especially since I got 2 comments on my last entry. That's nearly a record! hehe

Well, aside from doing work today I spent some time dancing and hanging out with a friend of mine. Him and I don't get to spend all that much time together because we live in different states, go to different schools, etc.

For the past few days he and I have been spending some time together, eating, talking, whatever. He's going to graduate this May and has been stressing about stepping out into the real world. It's not a fear based necessarily in what he will encounter in the future, but what he'll be leaving behind; namely, the college life.
While discussing his apprehension about this major milestone he is preparing to pass I stepped out on his balcony to have a cigarette, (yes a freaking private balcony in a college dorm). We continued talking as I watched students walking to and from various places on campus, smiling, laughing, and overall seeming quite content with life.

I couldn't help but feel as though I had missed something in my college days. However, I realized this years ago and have come to accept it. Although, just in looking down at the collective group of peers talking, studying, partying, and living together within a utopian-like community I couldn't help but feel a little jealous.

A few minutes into the conversation outside my friend's room mate joined us. He started talking about problems he was having with his girlfriend, then moved to the topic of girls in general. He started talking about how there are so many females around and it being difficult to settle down with just one in such an environment.
I couldn't exactly connect with him since I've been in my relationship for so long, but I could imagine his situation because it makes perfect sense. Through the time I've walked around the campus here or campuses anywhere for that matter, there is a plenitude of females walking around who are 1 part concerned about their grades and 2 parts concerned about their looks.

So for the average guy I can assume that it would be difficult to settle down with one girl for too long. Especially one who sees college as a sexual opportunity of which they will never have again.

In thinking about this I started to better understand why it hasn't been difficult for me to remain in my relationship. It's because most guys fantasies involve sleeping with different girls every night of the week, thus making fidelity in such a situation nearly impossible. With myself however, when I see attractive girls I'm not looking at them because I want to sleep with them, it's because I'm trying to figure out better ways to be like them.

I'm looking at breasts and rears not because I find them intrinsically attractive, though I do find them beautiful, but it's because I'm trying to pay close attention to the shape, the types of clothes, the way they fall and react against different surfaces so I can better understand my personal image with x-dressing.

It's like I'm trying to take pieces from girls that I see and apply them to myself, however it's been difficult.

I have tried to resolve the issue of my flat rear by combining inflation with padding, but it's kind of difficult to see with the pants on (cause they don't stretch that much)

Although, I'm just at the beginning of making my image. I mean, the first time I fully femmed-up was in January this year.. or was it February?
I'll have to check back on that.

either way, I'm getting there! =P

Wednesday, March 15, 2006


So I was sitting around on YIM and saw one of the people on my buddy-list had their web-cam activated. For some reason this whole idea never occurred to me in the past, especially for the purposes of transmitting fetish related material. I guess I’m just behind the times, but it got me thinking about the potential prospects. It’s pretty interesting, however is something that I’m entirely not ready to do.

I don’t know if it Really crosses any lines, I think it’s just that it would create a situation that would potentially be... uncomfortable. Also, being in a relationship I don’t want to wade into any unknown waters as to potentially rock the boat. I think it’s just more that I’m fascinated at the advancement of technology, even though web-cams have been around for a long time. I guess I’m just mentally stuck in the technological stone-age.

::personal update::

so it turns out that the work I have for this break is taking me a lot longer than I originally imagined. I just finished doing what I had set out to have done on monday... Yeah, it's been a struggle, this break has been quite unpleasant thus far.

If I had more free time I would have busted out a longer, more interesting post, but I'm just dead from looking at a computer screen all day today.

I'm really looking forward to the summer =P

Monday, March 13, 2006

All The World is a Stage

We all live in a community within a society within a culture.
In each of these sub-divisions of the human race there are normative standards, we're all familiar with these customs whether we're conscious of them or not.

So what is it exactly to be normal?

While enjoying a cigarette on my porch I began to dwell on this question. Using myself as an example, I'd say that I'm a pretty normal guy; I go to school, dress and behave in a socially acceptable manner, smoke cigarettes, go grocery shopping, watch TV and occasionally take in a film or two, basically everything that makes up a normal individual in my society.

I then started considering all the areas where I deviate from this norm; I dance, I don't follow sports, I don't drink or do drugs, I have long hair, and in my spare time I like to x-dress, mask, and wear rubber.

Once I added up all the determining factors as to whether I passed as being normal I came to the conclusion that I'm anything but.

However, the x-dressing, masking, and latex fetish I keep to myself, and I'd assume that it's pretty normal for people to have skeletons in their closet. So I suppose that tips me back into the 'normal' category.

So in thinking about this, it reduces the question of normalcy to superficialities; our social faces and public bodies. I thought of how easy it would be to start jumping from group to group, especially because I have done it in the past, but not with the intention of deceit, it was just because I went through different clothing & hairstyle phases.

As of late I've been getting funneled into a kind of retro-grunge stereotype of which I'm not enjoying all that much. I know when I cut my hair I'll suddenly be put back into some other stereotype, but that'll be better cause the one I'm in is far from what I am.

But as far as behavioral differences go between groups, I wouldn't say that there are all that many distinguishing factors. I think most groups are essentially comprised of a dress-code, a body posture, a few mannerisms, and a handful of activities.

So at it's core, many groups wouldn't really be that hard to play the part of. This idea ties largely into my x-dressing interest, just knowing that the dividing line between genders is potentially so thin. I know I'd find it quite exciting to have a proper mask/bodysuit to be able to go into public as a girl and have no one know. Be able to be seen as someone who I am entirely not, but at the same time am.. Also, I like the whole prosthetics thing, but that's a different story. =P

We all masquerade as the people who we'd like others to perceive us as, but not necessarily the people we want to be.
Wouldn't it be interesting to act and dress from the inside out?
I think it would be.

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Full Experience

Since I’ve started buying latex, masks, and other fetish related items I’ve noticed this compulsion towards having more and more and more.
I’ve really tried to put my finger on what this feeling is exactly, but have had trouble through the past.

Earlier today I was extremely thirsty for about 20 minutes between the time I realized I needed to get something to drink and actually drinking. During this time I started to dissect and try to localize what it was exactly to be ‘thirsty’; my mouth was dry, I had a kind of empty sensation in my chest around the esophagus, and my head felt a little disconnected and foggy. But the whole experience of being thirsty was far more than sum of its’ physiological parts. I think the central, almost definitional, factor in thirst is the urge to drink something and knowing that once you do then the discomfort of being in a state of wanting will be lifted.

With my latex and x-dressing fetish I’ve realized that there is something raw and basic behind it, as with thirst, but the difference is that I almost never feel fully satiated by rubber or masking. (The whole reason for the compulsion)
Sure, there’s the excitement of the process of realizing that you want something new, searching for it, finding it, and buying it, but the momentary satisfaction involved in this process is so minimal. The real enjoyment should come from the actual use and re-use of the desired item, but that rarely seems to be the case.

Typically when I purchase latex I’m really excited at the moment of obtaining the garment, then the first time I wear it is always great, but after a few uses it plateaus at a point where it’s still enjoyable, however it loses that initial flare.
Although, with rubber it’s easy to understand because when wearing it I’m typically not doing it for an aesthetic or an identity shift or in trying to reach an ideal, I’m just wearing it because of the tactile experience.
Masking and x-dressing on the other hand is a little more complicated.

The last time I dressed up there seemed to be something missing from the experience. It was like I was going through the motions, but there was nothing behind it. It reminded me of when I was much younger and used to play with action-figures.
I’d see commercials on TV for the newest G.I. Joe and think it was so cool and from that point on I’d be dreaming about how great it’ll be once I have it. Once I got the toy I’d play with it for a few hours, but then hit a moment when I’d step back and ask myself, ‘is that it?’
It was as though something was missing. When I first wanted the toy I envisioned this full-bodied experience met with complete satisfaction, but then through the reality of tossing around the action-figure and putting it in different environments it all felt very shallow.
Once I came upon this realization I stopped buying action figures, because the level of actual engagement and experience was so low. So feeling this way after dressing up was a little discouraging.

With x-dressing and masking I’m ultimately trying to make some sort of shift; physically and mentally. It’s one of those things that I think I need to change from the outside-in, thus being the reason for changing my appearance in order to be able to shift my personality.
I’ve never known, and currently don’t know, why I’m so drawn in by the idea of being able to pull off a believable female appearance with a mask and prosthetics, but I’m happy that I have this compulsion for it.
Why am I happy about it?
well, probably cause it’s fun and different. Although, in my experience it’s typically been more of a let-down than anything else.

In the more distant past whenever I dressed up I was excited, but never did I ever achieve what I had really set out for. I tried to figure out what I actually was trying to accomplish and quickly realized that it was just something that wasn’t going to happen, so I shouldn’t even dream about it.
However, every so often my desire to x-dress would hit a boiling point and I would dress up. And every time, to my disappointment, I found the experience to fall short of what I really wanted.. And every time this happened I would beat myself up over it and have to re-tear down my stupid dream of being able to leap across the gender barrier in a full, convincing, and satisfying way.

Having beaten this dream down a countless number of times I thought that it was basically over and I should hang up the proverbial bra & panties, but then there was my 1st photo-shoot.

For some reason during/after this session of being dressed up I actually felt somewhat content and satisfied with the experience. It was as though for that brief period I had actually come a bit closer to achieving that dream that has been in the back of my mind for so long.

Having now had this experience it’s been able to act as an anchor for my x-dressing and masking fetish, because I was actually able to get close to what I was hoping for all these years.

So I’m really hoping for more of these experiences in the future, which of course means more masks, more rubber, more stuff!
And the compulsion towards a more full experience rages on..

Friday, March 10, 2006

Spring Break!

So I just finished my last mid-term for this week.

While sitting through the test all I could hear were side-conversations of students asking where other class-mates were going. Seems like South America, Florida, and England are the main vacation spots of choice this break. Unfortunately I am one of the few who are not traveling for this single week that we have off. Instead I'm going to be doing work, because I'm taking a more than heavy course load. I actually had to get multiple people to sign forms to be able to take so many classes this semester, cause I want to graduate sooner than later. And whenever anyone hears what I'm taking this semester they, generally professors, tend to shake their heads and ask how I'm still alive.
So giving up my break is a small price to pay to get out of school in a timely manner.
Although, over the week I'm going to have much more free time than usual, so this may result in either an increase or decrease in activity on this site. I'm also going to be back home, so no rubber-gear or girl's clothes, but I made sure to send myself some pictures so I can still make some interesting posts.

After class

I was considering the prospect of absolutely no rubber for 1 week. I think it's going to be good for me, cause I feel like since I've had it available to wear 24/7 I just haven't felt inclined to get dressed up. So now when it's not around I'll probably crave it in it's absence.
As I was mulling this over I saw a girl walking about 10 feet in front of me wearing a shrug that looked remarkably familiar.

After following her for a couple minutes I realized that I had bought the exact same one the last time I went shopping with my gf. I mean, it was exactly the same.

I just found it kind of funny, cause while wearing women's clothes it immediately becomes different to me. Maybe it becomes more sexual or something, but I certainly didn't expect to see someone wearing it out on the street.. even though that's it's intended purpose, while what I'm doing is far from it.

Anyway, I've got to pack, clean up, and head back home.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Men-n-Feminism.. go figure

So I was sitting in a class about women which is, as one would guess, taught by a female feminist.
Normally in the course we observe media, then write papers about it. Yeah, it's pretty simple and straight forward. It's actually my 'mickey mouse' course of the semester ('mickey mouse' being an especially easy class put in one's schedule to lighten the load). The point I'm getting at is that there is very little discussion.

This particular day we didn't watch anything in class and it ended up being a discussion, well it was actually more of a lecture than anything else.
It started off with the professor talking about some of the readings we were assigned to do along with ideas she implanted on some of the things we had seen throughout the course. About thirty minutes in to the three hour class she went off on a few random tangents about the hardships men have put women through and why women are second class citizens.. the answer being, MEN!

Now having all these ideas discussed and being reflected back to her by all the girls in the class made it abundantly clear that I was only one of the two males in the room. After basically putting my male comrade and me on a cross I figured it was time to stop her before she got the metaphorical nails and hammer out.

I started listening intently to what she and the other people participating in the discussion were saying so I could start tearing holes in their arguments. This is also not the first course I've attended that has been taught by a die-hard feminist, so this technique of winning the class over and changing the direction of discussion is not foreign to me.

The topic was on sexuality being, for women, empowering through vulnerability, basically saying it's strength in weakness.
The discussion then moved to men and talking about how we can get away with doing or wearing whatever we want without anyone caring. This was reinforced with an example made by a student in saying that she can't wear skirts without being harassed.

It was at this point that I decided to interject. I first made the point that anyone's empowerment is only given to them by others, therefore men are giving women empowerment through their desire to for women. Therefore when women dress scantily they are made powerful by the male gaze, putting men in the position of wanting and weakness.

Now men could strip this power from women by crossing a few boundaries (law, ethical, social, etc.) and take that power back by raping them or something. Giving that particular man the upper hand because he is getting what he wants, but how often are people raped?
More than half of the girls in my class were dressed quite provocatively and I think it's safe to assume that 1) they dress that way decently often and 2) none of them have ever been raped.
Also, it's not as though we live in a social climate where things like rape happen too often, and even when it does it's usually the case that half-way through intercourse a girl wants to stop and the guy prolongs it a few more minutes (I know this from talking to a few people who say they have been 'raped').

I then started to respond to 'how men can do or wear whatever they want'. The girl who said it was wearing an extremely tight t-shirt that was showing her belly button and butt-hugging jeans. My first thought was to say; 'you think you get a lot of unwanted attention wearing skirts or revealing clothes? lets switch outfits right now and walk down the street and we'll see who gets more attention." Although, I refrained from saying this because as I was going to, it immediately struck a chord with the x-dressing part of me and I thought I would be made too uncomfortable to continue if I said that.

Instead I stated that women have much more freedom to wear what they want than men; my example being as normal lower-body attire women can wear skirts, dresses, tight or loose pants, while men can only socially acceptably wear loose pants. Women can wear most anything without social repremand, while men have far more restrictions. Tying back to the previous argument, what percentage of women who have publicly dressed provocatively been assaulted or raped? probably a very small portion.
What percentage of men who have publicly dressed provocatively (generaly in women's clothing) been assaulted or killed? I'd say a much much larger proportion.

This subject of restrictions spawned into a new discussion involving broader ideas about male and female gender roles.
They started talking about how women are now expected to be the bread-winner, the mother, the wife, the keeper of the house, strong, independent, while still weak and emotional. Now, much of this may be true, but the underlying reality is that a woman as an individual is not expected to be all those things, it's just that they've had the opportunities opened to them. The truth of the matter is that with opportunities opening for women, responsibilities have been reinforced for men.
Throughout the past men have had the responsibility of providing for and taking care of their families. Now with roles changing and women being slightly overloaded, the same is happening to men. Previously it was good to be a strong, independent, and wealthy man and that was all. Now it's not enough, now we need to be the strong, independent, wealthy man, emotionally available/stable husband and father, in addition to house-keeper, chef, and be able to take charge but willing to give up control.

I mean, there's certainly a double standard here. For a woman to be a house-wife it's considered normal, maybe they'll get a few sneers from the working mothers in the neighborhood, but just think of how people would react to a man being a house-husband who doesn't work and stays home with the kids? Or what if a husband plays their normal role; hard working, making money, providing for his family, but is never around. Well, he is in violation of being an available father and husband! A woman in the same position would not be called unavailable or a bad mother, she is; motivated, ambitious, insert positive adjective here, etc.

The underlying issue is that throughout the past women have been associated with beauty and weakness while men have been associated with strength and utility. Now women's roles are changing, but since they have not changed entirely yet, women can still acceptably be 'weak' or admirably strong. Men on the other hand, from having the advantage throughout history is expected to be able to accommodate these changes, but since we started in the position of strength, in many ways we have to stay there, but at the same time take on the feminine roles that have been planted onto us through their lack in the female community. So we are expected to be both strong and weak.

Now I'm not trying to say that women have all the rights that men do, nor do I think it's especially easy or pleasant to be a woman. I also don't entirely disagree with my teacher or other hard-core feminists, because I understand that sometimes one needs to make a big splash in order to create a small wave of change. I do agree with many of the underlying issues brought up, as long as I can steer clear of words like, "phallistrocratic" and "manocracy".
It's just that I don't like being singled out and placed into a stereotype, especially when I don't even remotely fit the generalization. I mean, anyone who knows me well knows that I carry many traits that would typically be considered feminine. Also my actual situation is very much reversed; I'm going to school and staying at home most of the time while my gf is out working all day and bringing home dinner. I mean, I'm very acquainted with the differences between the social constructs of male and female, but I'm not trying to pretend that I've even close to knowing what it is to be like a woman. That's actually played a large role in my interest in x-dressing, being able to explore those differences between male/female, man/woman.

So I just felt a bit more offended considering that I was being accused of being a typical 'man' when I'm anything but, and to add insult to injury, it's coming from a person who has clearly never tried to see what it's like or even considered the male point of view before spewing all these bias ideas.

Well, in the end it turned out alright because after I challenged the teacher over the course of about 15 minutes, the sentiment of the class drastically changed. Suddenly it seemed as though I had opened the eyes of all the girls in my class to the male situation.
I was actually quite surprised how quickly my class-mates turned on my teacher, but at the same time if you only offer 1 point of view then that's all that people will see. So I'm pleased that I was able to give an alternative to the class and they chose to take to it.

It was also kind of funny because before and during the class I was considering getting dressed up in the evening.. well, I did. but it was kind of strange to be thinking about that while being assaulted about being an oppressive, close-minded, masculine man.

go figure...
(I also have to do something about the color contrast and the folds in my neck =P )

Monday, March 06, 2006


So I know that I was writing earlier about buying some normal woman's clothes.

Well, I finally got around to trying them on with the suit underneath. I think everything we got fits pretty well, however in the future I'll probably leave the breasts a little less inflated cause my dimensions are a little over the top.

While trying things on I just put on the suit and the clothes. I just wanted to make sure that everything fit properly, meaning I wasn't going for a night of full-on rubber and masking.
I only dressed up for about 10 or 15 minutes cause I was supposed to meet a friend online to play a game. We only took a couple pictures and didn't pay too much attention to the composition or background (which is why it's cropped out).

By the time I had taken the jacket and shirt off, my friend was calling me on the phone about meeting up with him on the internet. I was considering cleaning off the girl-suit and taking a shower before playing, but realized it made more sense to play at that moment and rinse off later.

I logged on, grabbed my controller, and sat down. I noticed that given my new proportions it was a little awkward to sit and play, so I partially deflated the leggings and breasts. I also removed the corset, which actually isn't that tight and doesn't change my figure all that much anymore. I left the pants and shoes on because I didn't feel like they were all that necessary to take off.

I plugged in my head-set and met my friend in a room. It was a bit awkward at first, being all rubbered and partially femmed up while chatting with him knowing fully well that he has no idea about my rubber or x-dressing interests. It was also made strange through the fact that I've known him since highschool and in talking to him it caused an internal shift in me. I was sent from being comfortably femmed up to uncomfortably feeling like I was hanging out with an old friend while in a rubber girl's body.
I knew that he couldn't see me and it shouldn't have made any difference in how I was feeling, but it was still a bit strange. A few games into the night I began to grow more comfortable and an hour or so later, when we decided to stop, I had completely forgotten that I was wearing the suit all together.

Afterwards I did some of my normal evening activities; I checked my e-mail, made a to-do list for the next day, ate some cereal, smoked a cigarette. It all felt quite natural, except for when I was outside I became aware of the sweat that had built-up underneath the suit by the way that certain areas of my body became colder faster than others.

At that point I was getting ready to go to bed and the thought of just sleeping in the suit crossed my mind. It had become a comfortable temperature and the rubber was soft and cushy feeling, but I didn't want to have to worry about taking it off, cleaning it, and showering all in the 15 minutes I allot for myself before class.

(since I wasn't masking I had my gf crop my head out of the pictures. In this one she found a more inventive way of covering my face than just blotting it out)

but yeah, it was an interesting evening.

Saturday, March 04, 2006

Over 3,000!

Wow, I’m surprised how fast my site-meter has been going up.
Maybe something is wrong with it ;P

It’s been a real trip getting into the online scene over the past month or so; talking to other icons in the masking community, being able to express my thoughts, and showing myself publicly (on the site) in fem-form.

It’s kind of interesting in how my ideas about latex and the way I think about fetish has changed over this time.
Previously I have always left it in the back of my mind, something secret and exciting, but now it’s taken up more of my conscious thought and I’m freed to actually put down my thoughts about it, which has been refreshing. If I ever had some exciting latex related experience or fetish epiphany then spent time with friends, I’d always feel the urge to say something, but never would for obvious reasons. I would have to wait until I saw my gf and then I’d kind of rattle it off and she’d react ranging from mild to partially excited.

Now in such a situation, with this blog, I feel more justified in being able to really explore my feelings about the fetish. Honestly, I find it pretty interesting. It’s just unfortunate that I haven’t been able to really capture anything the way I have wanted to as of yet, but maybe with more free time that will change.

I’ve also started to shift away from my previous way of thinking; which was the idea that if I were to concern myself too much with latex and fetish, it would become less interesting. Well, on some level this appears to be true, but for the most part it hasn’t. It’s actually opened a few doors and helped me feel more secure about this ‘interest’ of mine. I mean, I can’t and don’t want to rationalize it to death, that’s why I post pics every now and then, but I think it’s good to give some thought and reflection to the experience.

Also in creating this site; I gave it some serious thought about what I wanted it to be. I knew it wouldn’t be just a picture gallery, because I don’t have the time, money, or means to make such a thing, and I didn’t want it just to be some bland blogger. So I hope this is a happy medium.
As far as content; I’ve always enjoyed it when people stray a little away from the raw-sexual nature of fetish and analyze it a bit. So I figured, ‘hey, why not make a site that’s interesting to look at and at the same time deals with the less sexual and more intellectual side of the fetish.’

I’ve enjoyed being able to write all this down and knowing that there are some people reading. It’s also been fun talking to the few people who have contacted me in regards to my site. Actually, I’m surprised that I have gotten so few e-mails, but it’s not a bad thing because it’s definitely been quality over quantity. Although, I don’t want to dissuade anyone from contacting me. Feel free to!

In first going public through this site I was a little afraid that I’d get overwhelmed with e-mails from horny guys talking about being my slave or things they’d like to do to me. I mean, there have been a few, but far less than I was expecting, which is nice... cause I’m interested in civilized conversation, not... I dunno, junk?

Anyway, that is all for now. I’ve got tons of work to do between last week and the 24th, with a little break in between, but I’ll try to put a couple pics up in a post soon.

And how can I forget.
Thanks to everyone who has visited my site. I feel flattered that so many people have been making their way to and through my site over the past month or so.
I'll try to keep it interesting =P

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Mind over Money

The other day when I was planning on purchasing girl’s clothes I remember being in a somewhat strange state. I feel that way again now considering buying some women’s boots.

In the past if I ever bought any sexual or fetish related items I’d go through a long period of consideration before placing an order. This is mainly because I typically don’t have that much money at my disposal, so what I do end up spending I try to be fairly sure about before doing it.

Over the past year or so of buying latex items I have grown accustomed to thinking about my latex purchases as being synonymous with sex if not some sexual activity. Some examples would be; my male catsuit provides heightened pleasure for me while being intimate, my dildo and harness aids me in sexual performance as well as satisfying an interest of mine.

So when I was presented with the prospect of purchasing women’s attire I was put into a strange mood. I wanted to buy something that was fetish related, but not synonymous with sex or sexual activities. However, I still wanted to buy them. I was searching through my head for the possible utility of such purchases and it was difficult to come up with any. I mean, am I buying it solely to take pictures to put up on this site?
Will I be fulfilling their intended purpose?
Not really.

So why do I want them?

While mulling over these ideas my gf noticed that something was on my mind. I ended up telling her what I was thinking and she made the argument that it’s no different from her buying underwear or pajamas. Basically saying that I’d be buying unnecessary clothes that I wouldn’t wear in public the same way that she does, however something still didn’t sit right with me.

We came to the conclusion if it’s something that I wanted and I had the means to get it, I might as well go through with it. So, as I wrote about before, I went shopping last weekend. We were going to go shoe shopping at the time, but decided that the internet is probably the best place to look for women’s boots, especially in my size. So I’ve been looking around for any that resonate with me, but no luck as of yet. I’ve also e-mailed a company with a few questions about getting a brand-new female-catsuit! but I haven’t heard back yet. So I don’t know when I’ll be getting all that stuff.

Anyway, this upcoming week is going to be especially hectic, so wish me luck! =P

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