Thursday, January 26, 2006

Latex: bad for the bank account, good for the soul

Ugh, so life has gotten stressful and I find myself with far less free-time than I had been hoping for, but whatever. I still intend on writing, just a bit less than I originally imagined. :(

So I spent a couple hours last night walking around mid-town, looking at the people and the lights, smelling the exhaust, and thinking about life in general. As I watched each group of strangers prancing or power-walking to whatever destination they had in mind I started wondering, how many of these people have fetishes?

I would imagine that most people do, however most of them would sooner die than admit to it, but that doesn't mean they don't have one. I started to wonder as to how many of them have actually lived out a fantasy or experienced someone else's..
Did they like it?
Did they love it?
Was it weird?
Was it exciting?

Of course in thinking like this I started to ask myself the same questions. I'd have to say 'yes' to all of them and through answering these questions I began to wonder, 'what is it about fetish that makes it so exciting?'

Oddly, I thought back to childhood.
When I was younger I was entertained and happy a good portion of the time. I didn't feel any strong impulses toward anything aside from maybe food when I was hungry or sleep when I was tired. Although, I did certainly experience impulses, but they were easily understood and achieved.
Life seemed like one big adventure of which I was excitedly navigating. Things as simple as watching a movie or just walking around town with a friend would really get me amped up.

As I've gotten older things seem more and more bland. The slow introduction into 'the real world' has been a long and tedious one. Now I feel so exhausted from fulfilling obligations and seeing to responsibilities that all I really do with my free time is relax. Change and excitement have taken a backseat to everything else crowding my day..

So what do I really look forward to anymore?
well, there are a few answers to that, but the thing time after time that I am always excited over is latex.
Whenever I receive some nameless package from Europe or Austria or where ever, or when I'm getting ready to suit up there is always this wonderful sensation that I get which almost reminds me of childhood.
Suddenly I'm broken out of my monotonous 'real' life and transported to a place where I am overjoyed to be. It's a great way to take a vacation without leaving the comfort of home.
In these moments I re-animate the excitement of youth and bring to light the magic of unchained excstaty..

Now that I know the feeling and have accepted the fact that I love latex, I occasionally feel this craving.. similar to the way that one feels a craving for water when they're thirsty, etc.. I truly believe that there is a part of my being that craves for fetish. And when I satisfy this urge I am ultimately helping to further strengthen my being as a whole.
I think that many people have this similar yearning, but many don't understand or refuse to accept what they must do in order to satisfy it..

No wonder why fetishes carry such strong lasting power in enriching people's lives.. as long as they allow it to.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Underworld: Prostitution

So I was persuaded to go see Underworld: Evolution by one of my friends. I had seen the original and didn't think much of it, but at least enjoyed the lead character's costume. Having seen the previews for the sequel I at least knew there would be that same characteristic of the movie that I would enjoy. So it wasn't especially difficult to get to me out of my house to go and watch.

Within the first ten minutes I noticed that something didn't seem right about Kate Beckinsale. It wasn't the acting, because I know that she tends to give sub-par performances (at least in the films I have seen her in). It wasn't her role in the film, because for the most part it is the same one that she played in the last. It was something about her catsuit that didn't seem right. The material just didn't glisten or fall quite right.
During some of the close-ups I noticed that the seams they were stitched opposed to glued. I also noticed that there were some odd cuts in the fabric, like an inseam in the center of the back, and the material didn't fold like latex. For a while I figured that they must've blown a lot of money and ended up getting her some super-deluxe custom catsuit made of a type of rubber that I had never seen before.

Then there was a sex scene where at the beginning she removes her corset and is then helped out of her outfit. At that point it became abundantly clear that it was actually made of lycra.
Immediately I felt my interest in the movie sharply decline, because it was one of the few aspects of the first film that really made it at all watchable. Since this movie had a much worse plot, I didn't have much hope for it.

As the film dragged on I tried to pay attention to the redundant dialogue and repetitive plot devices, but really began to lose interest. Then about twenty or so minutes before the end of the movie something suddenly changed. Something felt better about the movie, but I didn't immediately pick up on what it was. In the scene where I first noticed this change was one where Kate had just fallen into a pit water. When she emerged her outfit looked different, but I figured that they wouldn't have had her wear a lycra catsuit the whole movie just to replace it with a rubber one when she got wet.

(a couple scenes from the movies)

on the top is lycra

on the bottom is latex

Well, from that scene through the rest of the movie Kate's outfit is latex. I found it really odd that they changed it through the movie. I wonder if it was for some practical purpose or whether it was personal comfort.. Also, I know for the sex scene, latex would have been a bit awkward in taking off.. cause rubber doesn't usually go from clinging curves to smoothly sliding off skin. Either way, I didn't think it was all that great.

If I could go back in time and do it again, I'd probably pass on the movie and watch it when it comes out on video. So at least then I wouldn't have spent that much money and run the possibility of there being some extra features that may explain why the costume change occurred.

Anyway, this entry got cut a little short partially due to the fact that I got a few phone calls and partly because I was torn away from the computer by my gf for some activities which involved the new mask she got me from Simon-O.. (unfortunately there are no pictures) =P

And some final notes.
Generally I specifically get permission with any pictures I intend on using, but with something this large and this public, I don't think that it'll be an issue. If it is or someone knows that it will be, then please let me know..
Also, I used 'prostitution' opposed to evolution in the title, because I think that the series sold out, cause it was clear that the sequel was only made to have a movie that the producers were safe in knowing that people would see, not because it was good or someone had some great story to tell.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

familiar fragrance

Today I was unpacking the gear I had brought back from NJ and a strange feeling came over me.

As I opened the crate the smell of talc and latex suddenly filled the air. I dug through the top layer of cotton and denim making my way to the hidden, shining core. Pushing the vanilla fabrics to the side I scooped my open hand into the dark and silky material. I carefully placed each item on my love seat and as the pile grew so did a strange arousal.

I took in the view; a small mountain of catsuits, briefs, masks, dildos, harnesses, vibrators, stockings, women's clothes, and a corset. I knew I had originally started this excavation with the intention of re-integrating my smaller collection back into it's larger whole, however at this moment I didn't feel like putting it away, I felt like putting it on. My mind re-asserted itself into auto-pilot mode and I started to meticulously inspect and store each item. Every time I felt the smooth glide of rubber between my fingers or tugged slightly around a collar and felt the gentle give only latex has, a familiar, but perpetually strange feeling came over me.

I've gotten this feeling ever since my early teens. I used to get it when I saw glistening covered bodies on television and in movies or when I had the house all to myself with an internet capable computer readily available.
It's a strange, kind of lonely, but connected feeling. I have only really experienced it in it's fullness while alone with some inanimate object. The feeling is unique in it's basis and almost like excitement that is holding itself back to such a degree that I can almost taste the tension. It's like the calm before the storm where the air is almost electric and one's emotions are mixed, but intense. Instead of one's feelings being stirred from fear, mine are from intense arousal.
The feeling is almost like a sweet intoxication that unearths a part of my personality that is otherwise dormant. It's like an distinct personality shift where anything and everything is exciting and relevant.
The feeling is intensified through it's taboo nature which makes it even more unique and my own. I'd imagine that most people experience something like this.. but these people are typically afraid that someone may stumble across them jerking off to a girly magazine or revealing picture, while I'm afraid that someone may accidentally come across me wriggling around in skin-tight rubber trapped in a extended orgasmic state.

During moments like these I feel especially close with my fetish and am reminded why I've spent almost every extra penny I have on it.


So I've started chatting with more and more people online through these latex communities and I constantly feel as though there's some code of conduct of which I am entirely missing out on. It could be due to the fact that I haven't actually spent any time in chat rooms since middle-school, but I think there's more to it than that.

Aside from feeling slightly alienated I have run across a few kinds of interactions. The first, most infrequent, and most desirable type is when someone starts talking to me in a casual manner. We discuss topics as though we had just met in person and then over time we begin to discuss latex and fetish. When we finally hit the fetish bound end of conversation, we both treat it in a more intellectual and less sexual way.
I always find it fascinating seeing how people relate to latex and incorporate it into their lives, but I think that there is a definite comfort line that is easily crossed with me.. which brings me to my next example.

The other type of interaction that I've found to be more typical, but still pretty infrequent, is the super sexualized, impatient, and all-around awkward conversation. I haven't yet gotten anyone saying, "hey, lets cyber," but there have been a few that aren't that far off.
People are generally put-off by the fact that I don't say that I am currently dressed in rubber. They also tend to take offense to the fact that I take more than a handful of seconds to reply to their messages. I dunno, I can't imagine someone who would really like to be spoken to in the way that many of the people do in the chat-rooms. That's not to say that the bulk of the conversations are filled with these types of back-and-forth's, but rather when someone private messages you out of the blue.. I've found it as an immediate warning sign saying, 'here comes some uncomfortable shit.'

Hopefully in the future I'll make some more contacts that are more on the same plane as me.
Although, I don't think that these uncomfortable conversations are due to the fact that I'm in a fetish-related forum, but I think these things just come with the territory of online chat rooms.
Also, it probably doesn't help that my profile name along with my personality is extremely feminine.. and most of these awkward conversations are put into motion by guys.. so I guess I'm basically asking for it.

I should just try to focus on the part of me that's flattered and not the part that's feeling invaded.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

no talc, no lube.. all sweat

So I finally got around to taking a few pictures of myself with the help of my gf. She didn't only handle the camera, but she also bought me the mask! =P

Yesterday was actually my last day of staying in NJ for a while, so I figured I'd take advantage of the tail-end of my vacation and get all dressed up. Unfortunately while here I only brought my catsuit, briefs, harness, and dildo, so we just took pictures of that.
When I was prepping for the 'photoshoot' I noticed that I had forgotten my lube/conditioner and talc. So I ended up just putting on the suit without any chemical help, which wasn't all that difficult because I have lost some weight in the past couple months. Although, if I hadn't lost the weight it probably would have been nearly impossible, if not extremely uncomfortable. Cause when I'd wear the suit before it was literally like it was painted on, but it was really nice to have it fit a little looser, even though I love stuff that's tight.

It's kind of surprising looking at the photos now seeing how much thinner I am, even though in this picture I still look like I have some man-boobs stashed under the rubber.
I actually like the feeling and aesthetic quite a bit more being slightly skinnier, also I think it'll help along my feminine look when I start taking pics in my fem form.
I still want to lose some more weight for personal along with recreational reasons.. and actually having lost about 25 pounds I've come to realize that the state of being hungry isn't all that bad.. compared to a nic-fit at least. =P

Also, this was the first time I had really worn the eyeless, mouthless mask. At first I was a little scared that I would get claustrophobic, but I felt quite at home in the warm rubber. I also thought that I'd have a really hard time adjusting to being blind, but it was not as disorienting as I had originally thought.

I think the fact that the mask is made of especially thin latex also made it seem a little less confining. It's actually kind of a strange contrast, because the mask is very thin while the catsuit is quite thick. If you actually look closely you can tell just by the way the rubber folds at my joints.

The mask was custom-made from simon-O. My gf and I decided to order from there because I had gotten her some baby-blue panties about a year ago and the price, service, and quality was fantastic. So I figured I'd like to have something from there too and fortunately she bought it for me!
The catsuit is from polymorph, but I was able to try it on cause I bought it from Purple Passion in NYC. I think that with garments that are particularly expensive and call for a very specific fit it's worth the time and effort to actually go out, try on, and figure out what you want before going into the purchase.
I'm actually wearing more in the photo, but I'm planning on saving those pictures for some later posts.

Overall I'm very satisfied with the mask, although as you can see in this picture, there is this strange little extra fold above the nose. I'm not certain whether this is here for some functional purpose or my face is just oddly shaped.
With masks I generally have trouble breathing out of the nose because I think that my face is actually flatter than normal, so it just creates this weird abnormality with the way they fit, but I can breathe out of this one (thank goodness) so I'm really happy about that.

Looking at the picture now it's surprising how tightly the latex is pulled against my skin, especially my neck. Generally I hate wearing turtle-neck sweaters cause it always feels like it's too tight, but while wearing the mask I didn't notice any discomfort at all. It almost makes me want to get a catsuit from simon-O just to see if they could make a suit that hugs every curve of my body effortlessly.. But, money is tight and I've got other plans in mind with my limited cash-flow.

The actual experience of taking the pictures was much less awkward than I had thought it would be. I mean, I'm not going to deny that it was a little weird to have my gf walk in with me dressed all in rubber and hand her a camera and say, "take pictures, but once I put the mask on you obviously can't ask me any questions, so just try to figure out what you think looks good and do it." Then after that initial awkwardness she continually asked me questions while I was masked, at to which I could only reply with single muffled words reverberating through the rubber and momentarily blocking off my breathing passage.
After a few minutes I think that she got more comfortable with the idea and started taking charge and I was happy to pose. She actually took some really interesting photos that I plan on putting up later, but my main concern at the time was that I'd just look like some crusty gimp weirdo.. Now having looked at the pictures; yes, I kind of look like a gimp, but I like them none the less! hehe. Many of the photos actually came out a lot less forced looking than I had originally thought they would.

It was also kind of interesting taking that secondary step of putting my pictures up online (cause I put some pictures up on my rubberpal account). I have spent so much time silently spectating, then about a month ago I started to actually engage in conversations within the online community, now I feel like it's been another big step in essentially saying, 'here I am for everyone to see.' It feels like I've taken an important personal step forward with my comfort and confidence with myself and my fetish. It's actually quite liberating, not to mention exciting knowing that there are pictures of me wearing latex up online.

The whole experience got me thinking a little about the possibility if this site becomes at all popular and if I gain any sort of normal visitors. If that were to happen then it would basically be like I'm on the other-side of the screen. Through the past I spent so much time looking through people's sites and admiring what they did so much, but never spoke up. I think it would be great if someone like me ended up stumbling across my site and feeling the same way, but at the same time I don't think I'm worth being admired. That's not to suggest I have no self-worth, but more that I'm just a normal person as I think the majority of the latex-fetish community is.

In closing, cause I have to sleep at some point!
Taking the pictures was a lot of fun and at the end I was so riled up that I ended up taking the camera out of my gf's hands so I could have my way with her. =P

But I intend on making this a habit (taking pictures). Also I'm really excited about getting dressed up in my female form and taking a few shots! although, I don't know when that will be.. probably not too soon. =(

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

My CD: unpacked

My personal interest in cross-dressing, has more to do with the basic ideal behind it. I didn't really start thinking about it in reference to myself until my girlfriend found out about it and immediately asked if I was sexually interested in men, at to which I replied, 'no'. From her basic misunderstanding and acceptance I understood that I had to explain how and why I enjoyed cross dressing and I also knew that she would be open to what I had to say about my tendencies, but upon trying to put it into words I could not come up with any explanation that satisfied me. The reason was because I knew more of what it wasn't than what it was. I know that I'm not gay and it's not some way to catch male attention. It's also not that I have some female identity that wants to get out, because when I cross-dress I don't feel compelled at all to take on any typically female traits or switch personalities in any way. I think a somewhat more satisfying explanation would be that throughout my past I have found women's clothing to be intrinsically arousing. This is probably just due to the sexualization of women in the media and consequently, in general. I also really like the idea of changing my identity or becoming something else through disguise. However, this deals more with other ideas I'll talk more about in the future. On a purely experiential level I enjoy wearing tight clothes and suddenly having, and of course lacking, body parts that I didn't previously. I like moving through familiar environments from a slightly different perspective, looking down and not seeing my feet, and upon sitting or laying down sensing the extra cushioning around my hips and rear. Also the somewhat strange, yet exciting feeling one gets when looking in the mirror and seeing someone entirely different. I have only dealt with cross-dressing and rubber, generally both at once, but I'm sure I could find things to enjoy about other fetishes. However, I believe that there is something inherently alluring and grounding about trans-gender transformation. I'm sure that most of these points could be said for females dressing as males, however I don't want to speak from a point of view that I don't personally know. So I'm speaking from a male to female perspective only. One central issue that I find to be especially true about man's desire to be a woman (subconscious or not) is the fact that they are all around us. In every culture it is socially along with biologically necessary for the presence of both sexes to maintain any sort of balanced society. And whether anyone is willing to admit it or not, I'll be so bold as to say that men and women are different. These differences come with an inherent wanting of one sex to assume the traits of the other. Through the past women have actually been able to assume many male traits in socially acceptable ways (although I'm not trying to say that it was not difficult for them to do so because I believe that it was). I also think that the way that women are generalized has allowed them to do this, while with men one of the central tenants of being a 'man' is to not be like woman! This dichotomous relationship has caused women to have the ability to live out their typically masculine traits with relative ease while men don't seem to have that freedom. I mean, women can wear pants (which a long time ago was unacceptable because pants were considered strictly male attire) they can even wear men's pants and there's no issue. Men on the other hand can't publicly wear dresses nor can they wear women's pants! I know that there are some men who do these things, but they are ostracize and usually socially punished for it. These male restrictions do not end with clothing. With women it is considered socially normal, if not admirable, for them to take on masculine traits such as being independent emotionally and financially, strong physically and mentally, etc. With men it is generally looked down upon to take on feminine traits, I don't think I need to further explain this one. So as a reaction to being unable to live-out our desire to have at least some feminine traits I believe that cross-dressing is a way for many men to live-out their female tendencies. This explanation may also indicate why there are so few women who dress as men.

Another reason why I personally enjoy cross-dressing above suiting up as anything else is because the surrounding fits. What I mean by this is that there are very few locations that actually cater specifically to males or females. Therefore, for a male to dress as a female in their home, at a club, or most other places it seems to fit. It's almost if someone is playing with a G.I. Joe action figure in a miniature jungle, desert, or urban setting. It doesn't matter what gender the figure is because the setting still fits, while if you had a space-alien figure these settings would seem a bit odd.
Now if I were to dress up as a fox or a wolf then my house or apartment would not be too fitting of an environment, while if I were to dress as a girl it wouldn't seem all that out of place. I think minor trivialities like these don't bother most people, but I have always found them to be of some importance.

My attraction to CDing is also heavily intertwined with my love of masking. I never CD and put on make-up or anything, but I tend to always either wear a rubber or female mask. I think the sensation of having one's head enclosed in something tight and restrictive is part of the excitement, but I also thoroughly enjoy being able to look in the mirror and not recognize myself. For whatever reason, I just find it fascinating that I can so simply change or hide my appearance. Then from this it becomes so much easier to behave and genuinely feel differently about myself. Sometimes I almost view CDing as a mini vacation from my ordinary self. It's not that I really act differently while masking, but I certainly feel different.

I'm sure there'll be other posts that involve my masking and CDing that will explain more and I explore it more myself.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Blurred Gender Roles

Having been in contact with a few other masking and latex sites I've been denied permission to post their pictures, so it looks as though the overall format of the site will be a little different than I first envisioned, but that's ok. I'll just make link-references instead of showing specifically what I'm talking about.

To the point..

Throughout the bulk of the past few years I have predominantly browsed sites that deal with female masking, which generally consists of men wearing women's clothing and female masks. The two sites that I check religiously for such material are Closet Monster and Maskon.
So from exposing myself to such sites normally I believed that I was interested in only a small sub-category of the latex fetish.
This idea was reinforced through the the fact that nearly every latex-related site that I checked almost always depicted women wearing rubber of every sort imaginable, where one would generally be hard-pressed to be able to find males in any of these pictures unless they were anonymous looking fellows who were only there to fulfill some functional or conceptual purpose to the central female character.
Now it's not that I have a problem with women dressed in latex, nor do I think it's especially sexist that males don't pop up too often on these sites, but for some reason I just get bored looking at latex ladies. It may be the simplicity or the fact that I did it up through my early teens or just the lack of originality at times, but I can't help but yawn at the idea of the standardization of a fetish.
Although, I can't count out the influence that the centralized, strong, feminine figures depicted on such sites had on me. Their embodiment of sexuality and almost larger-than-life portrayal has had a powerful influence on the way in which I view sexuality. Although, I previously thought that the way in which I engaged these pictures was a bit obscure because upon seeing these females on screen I wasn't thinking, "I want to be with someone who looks like that" but rather, "I want become someone who looks like that." This kind of thinking, of course, has led me to my interest in masking and cross-dressing.

For a long time I felt like I was an abnormality among latex fetishists because I am a straight male who has had the intense urge to dress as a female (in latex). I used to think it was just some phase that I was going to outgrow, but over time my urges intensified and got to a point where they needed some sort of realization, which ended up not happening until about a year ago.
From being able to actually live-out a fantasy and having the opportunity to share the experience with someone in-person it made me feel much less weird about my latex and cross-dressing fetishes. After this experience I started making more purchases to help nurture my interests, although I still have not been entirely satisfied.
As my comfort with myself and my urges grew I decided to join a few latex related online communities. Initially I was expecting to find a greater number of men than women (which I was right about) and I also expected that the men would dress as latex guys and the ladies would dress as rubber girls, but I was pleasantly surprised.

After browsing a few online communities I found that there were predominantly four kinds of profiles. Starting with the most rare and moving to the most predominant; single women who enjoy wearing rubber and in their galleries are dressed as, well, women. Couples who have pictures of themselves dressed in rubber. Single men who have mugshot-like pictures of their faces (and one can generally see a rubber collar) and are generally looking for a real relationship with a real woman. Single men who have a few photos of themselves dressed as rubber-men. Finally I found that most of the gm's (genetic males) dressed as either rubber dolls or latex-clad women. I also found, through reading their profiles, that nearly all of them are straight males who do not cross-dress publicly.
I was delighted to find that there were not only others who feel like me, but rather the majority did. However, I didn't actually go down each community list and meticulously read through each profile. So I could be wrong about this rubber male CD group being the largest, but I can easily say that it's not uncommon to find many of them in these online communities.

In the past I had never really given my urges all that much thought, because I believed I was one of a hand-full who had these tendencies. However with this newly discovered popularity of straight males cross-dressing, it got me thinking more deeply about the reason behind why it's become so normal for gm's to dress as rubber-women.

The first, most obvious, and most probable reason for this is the fact that cross-dressing has been around since there has been gender-specific clothing. Therefore it is not all that far fetched that this trend would continue, especially among the latex fetish community because any man who is brave enough to post somewhat provocative pictures of themselves on the net are also probably sexually comfortable and secure enough to share their cross-dressing interest without fear.

Another theory as to why it has become so normal for men with latex fetishes to dress as women is because in this day and age most people (initially) draw their knowledge about perversions and fetishes from the internet. So for anyone who has spent some time searching around the web for fetish or specifically latex related sites will find that the vast majority of the material is female related. What I mean by this is that most pay-sites depict women, which makes perfect sense because most patrons of these sites are straight men. Also when one browses online latex shops they will find that the women's section is quite a bit larger and far more interesting than the men's section.
So from this trend of feminine prevalence in latex culture, it has created an atmosphere where women are not only centralized and idealized, but they are idolized. And as we know with any focus of admiration or worship, you'll eventually get people trying to emulate their look and behavior.
Taking it a step away from the somewhat religious tone, I think through the fact that women get all the attention and all the cool clothes, it leaves men wanting to fully experience what they have seen on screen (women) through emulation (dressing as women).

Another reason for straight males CDing could merely be the nature of latex fetishism. In my somewhat limited experience with latex, I've found that at times it's like a drug. You get your first item and you play with it and it's great, but then over time you start to get bored with it. Then you get another item and it's fun and great, but again you get bored and want more and more and more! until you get into different sub-categories of latex, and go to greater lengths to satisfy your thirst for rubber excitement. So I figure that while going through different off-shoots of latex fetishism, one is bound to land on cross-dressing. And it seems that many men who land there tend to stay a while.

As a result of this trend I've run into a few issues surrounding gender in general when dealing with males who dress as women. The first and most obvious is when dealing with others like myself I used to feel confused as to which gender to refer to them as. Initially I tried to merely dodge the subject, but over enough time it became apparent that I needed to figure out how to handle it.
Using myself as an example, I thought about what I would like to be called if someone contacted me having seen pictures of me masked and in women's clothing. I think that if they called me 'she' then I would feel inclined to say 'i am a guy,' but at the same time feel flattered. On the other hand I figured that if I refer to someone as 'he' then it kind of negates their female persona. So I decided to just call anyone who is going to dress like a woman as 'she' and thus far it's been pretty well understood that we both know that they're male..

closing thoughts.

So now it seems that we are left with a latex culture that is overrun by rubber women, but of varying gender.
I personally love the idea of breaking down the barriers of gender and being able to dress according to our mood. And as the walls are falling it leaves us without the general stereotypes holding males and females in their place, instead we are free to truly be individuals who can as easily choose our face, sex, or even species as easily as one changes their clothes. It's truly an amazing phenomenon that would be a wonder to see in society, but at the same time I think that the very reason why this freeform interpretation of gender exists has a lot to do with the fact that we are selectively involved in it and that it is contained in a small group of people who made the conscious choice to partake.

For the most part, my involvement in the latex community has been a delight and I have met some extremely kind and down to earth people of whom I can just as easily talk about the weather as I can about CDing and rubber!

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

a history and a tangent

I suppose it's easiest to start from the beginning of my fetishism.
My interest in latex coincided with my first orgasm, so it's really been a part of me for about as long as I can remember. While growing up alongside the emergence of the internet and the subsequent spread of concepts, ideas, and lets admit it, pornography.. I took my lust stemming from my bodily urges online. I think that my most basic turn-on's at the time were latex and body-enhancement or prosthetics (but I'll get more into that in future posts).

So of course when I first hit the net one of the first few key-words plugged into the primitive search engine was 'latex'. The first site I can remember frequenting was That site in itself was a great link resource for various other sites (it still is), so I can thank much of my early-on familiarity with latex to them.
Over the years I shifted from subject to subject, sub-category to sub-category, perversion to perversion. There was some basic quality about latex that I understood as being arousing, but only through exploring other fetishes did I really begin to understand what was so alluring about rubber. (all from a distance and online of course. Although I hope to get more into the fetish culture) The few that I'm going to focus on are furrys, zentai, and masking.

photo taken from Jovinas masking site
Furrys (right) have always struck me as being interesting. At first it seemed a bit odd, but then later I began to better understand what was so attractive about it, to me at least. I started browsing the sites to see what new and inventive costumes people were coming up with, but also just to further familiarizing myself with the whole culture. The part that I felt was especially erotic was the idea of, through suiting up, being able to assume an entirely different identity where one can let certain dormant personality traits shine through the inherent connotation of the animal or the specific way that the costume is designed. Then of course, once making a transformation, it's all kinds of fun!

I have also noticed that through the past few years (maybe even decade) that the public has for some reason made a spectacle of furrys as being almost a standard for perversion. On TV I remember seeing two programs on MTV (Real life: I'm a..., I think) one being about furries and another being about plushies. Then I saw an episode of real-sex, a show that explores perversions, but typically puts them in their context letting each perversion or fetish make a lot more sense. However, with the furries episode they just showed it as a breif aside without any contextualization or explanation for the unenlightened viewer, resulting in a complete mis-perception. Then, the latest and probably most popular show to hi-lite furries was CSI. Then some years after seeing these programs I noticed a small wave (but wave none-the-less) in comedy shows that would occasionally use mascots or just people dressed as animals in sexual situations which was supposed to be funny I guess, but I never really understood, which is probably because I have a better understanding of the allure of the furry fetish than the average viewer.
I think that the reason for all this attention on furries is due to the fact that it's something that is easily put on television! cause it's not like one could put an anal, nipple, scat, or any other overtly sexual fetish on TV, so it seems like they were just picking on the people that they could most easily.. anyway, there's more information on the subject at this web-page.

Zentai, the picture was grabbed from an image finder on google from ( Just so I don't get sued or anything.. But as you can see, again this concept of giving up one's identity is present. However, I feel that zentai departs heavily from furrys in that one isn't necessarily giving up their own identity to assume a new and improved one, but rather they are merely giving up defining features of themselves and becoming an idealized image. this image for example, it's an idealized, basic, smooth, yet raw depiction of the female form. With this transformation one becomes less realistic and more symbolic.. and let's be honest, most people are attracted to the symbolic cues they perceive in others. Because when one becomes symbolic, they become objectified, and there's nothing more sexy than occasionally turning yourself into nothing more than a piece of meat or someone else's wet dream.

Although, taking that idea a step further away from the abstract, there is an inherent sexual aspect of being contained and held in. letting a fabric pull tightly against your entire body accentuating every curve and smoothing out any unwanted bumps, being able to look into the mirror and not see yourself can be exciting if you've ever tried it.
moving on..

Again, there are some commonalities here as far as what the allure is. Similar to what furrys provided for me, the replacement of an identity with a new one, but with a more realistic depiction, resulting in.. a more real, more sexual, more absorbing experience, for me at least.

From jumping to each of these fetishes I started to realize what drew me in about latex; the idealization of the form, objectification of the flesh, and loss of individuality.
Now I feel like I've evolved into a latex fetishist who carries two different persona's. There's my masculine side which comes out when I get suited up in my male gear, but then my feminine side that makes her appearance when I pull on my women's wear and female mask.

From this split in my personality caused somewhat of a divide in my interests, with the underlying unifying love of rubber. I feel like over the past few years my female side has been wanting to come out more and more and hence, the creation of this online alter-ego Anima. However, due to lack of time, effort, and caring, my male side will reside here too. =P

But now I'm left with an overall fetish that I thoroughly enjoy, but am still open to change and evolution.. So for the past few months, years, however long. I have been fascinated with the gray areas between fetishes, the overlap.

In the future I am planning on posting more pictures from various sites, but I am still in the process of getting permission. So in due time..

anyway. I could go infinitely, but I need to get to sleep..
In the coming entries I'll try to stay more focused, hopefully get something really solid down, so I can actually look back at something good! heh

Monday, January 02, 2006


After much thought I've finally decided to take my alter-ego, darker half, fun-side, hidden pleasures, and resulting thoughts and put them down somewhere..

so this blogger is more for myself than anyone else, maybe my gf (to explain my fetish through my self-exploration).. which probably means that it will be better than some daily regurgitation of meaningless events.

enjoy, self.

hit counter html code