Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Woman's Work

I've tried to empathize with women in a number of ways throughout my life, but of course it's impossible to truly do so until you've been in their shoes.

More to the point; while gearing up in my female attire I was a bit confused as to which mask I'd use (it's either my liv mask or eyeless mouthless rubber-hood). I definitely wanted to wear a mask because a big part of my transformation into my female form is being able to change my face. Well, I chose the liv mask, but felt unsure as to how it would look in pictures. I was kind of afraid that it wouldn't be all that natural looking, because from wearing it in the past it has looked kind of awkward in the mirror.

While at the gym with my gf I was thinking about this issue and remembered that around the eye-holes in the mask there are dark areas. Shortly before we left I asked her if she could pick up some dark eye-makeup on the way home. She agreed and when we met back at our place I was largely concerned with getting all my gear together. While I was talc-ing up my catsuit and lubing down my gloves she was telling me about how she got me eye-shadow and eye-liner. I didn't pay much attention aside from being appreciative that she went and got the items for me.

After sealing the corset snugly around my mid-section I thought, 'Ok, lets quickly slap on this makeup and I'll put the mask on.' Well, I majorly underestimated the ease of putting on eye-makeup.

First I sat down in a chair while my gf stood over me holding what looked to be a thin marker. She asked me to try to keep my eyes half-open while she applied the eye-liner. The moment the applicator touched down I lost control of my eye-lids. It felt like she was trying to draw directly on my eyeball with a crayon or something. It was a most unpleasant experience and it ended up taking 10 or 20 minutes, because I was so unable to sit still. Once she sat back and decided it was 'good enough' we moved onto the eye-shadow.

By contrast the eye-shadow was a complete joy, but that had everything to do with the fact that it's applied crucial millimeters further away from my eyes.. and it's supposed to be done with the eyes closed, which made it infinitely more comfortable.

After everything was in place I was left with an intense urge wipe my eyes, but knew that I couldn't or else I'd have to get it all reapplied. So just from getting a tiny taste of what it's like to put on makeup I have a lot more respect for women.. however, this doesn't imply I necessarily respect women who do wear it, but I at least now have a slight idea of the discomfort involved.

So past all the unpleasantness I am quite pleased with the way that the eye-makeup looks with the mask.

My next make-up endeavor is probably going to be getting my eyelashes curled. Sounds fun!

-onto other business-
I'm planning out my next latex purchase and realized that I'm nearly tapped out in terms of fun-funds (my 'fun-fund' aka. fun'd is generally kind of small considering I'm a student. I typically have to give up most any other types of purchases, including food, in order to buy latex, but it's been worth it!). I also realized that keeping up this blog has been a lot more difficult and time-consuming than I had originally imagined, but it's still been a lot of fun.

Anyway, there are going to be big gaps in terms of pics between my purchases, just cause there isn't that much I can do with the stuff I already have. I mean, we'll see how inventive I end up getting, but there's only so much one can do with so little.

In light of these facts I've added a 'donations' button, which is off to the right. Although, I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea; it's not like this is the first step in making my page into a pay-site or anything, cause I do enjoy writing here. It's just that I was considering how often I buy rubber is proportionate to how much money I have available.

So if you're feeling especially giving or you're very displeased with the amount of rubber in my wordrobe (for whatever reason), then you can give it a click. I'd also like to point out that donations recieved will only go to rubber or fetish related purchases. (like you see below) =P

anyway, it was just a thought and I don't expect hardly any donations. However, I didn't want to be keeping anyone from making any either =P

Sunday, February 26, 2006


So I went shopping for girl's clothes this weekend, it was much of, but not exactly what I was expecting.

In the past I had left much of the decision making up to my gf, but this time around I actually had a basic concept in mind. I had told her beforehand what I had wanted, but since I was taking a more active role in what she got for me it only made sense that I tagged along.

At the first store we went to I found it rather nerve racking standing around in the women's section. I was being overly-aware of the other females around me.
I had gone shopping before with my gf while she picked out outfits for herself, but this was really a first in terms of us walking around together in the women's department trying to find something for me. Just mentally knowing that I wasn't the boyfriend who was miserably dragging his feet behind the girlfriend while she looked at cute outfits for herself, but instead I was the effeminate boyfriend who was nervously checking around making sure it's not obvious that she's buying clothes for me, made it much more awkward!

The first thing that made it all painfully uncomfortable was the fact that the store that we were at separated the women's section by size and my gf, being the petite girl that she is, wading around in the +sized women's area made me feel like it was obvious that she was getting clothing for me. Although, it did help that she was wearing pretty baggy garments while shopping, so it was somewhat more acceptable that she was picking out things of larger sizes.. although, in retrospect I think I was overthinking. =P

While still in the first store she asked me on a few occasions what I wanted. I didn't respond cause I was afraid that someone would hear me, I felt paralyzed with embarrassment.
A bit later my gf caught on that I was uncomfortable with her referring directly to me as to whether something was OK or not. So she started saying, 'do you think she'll like it?' which made it a bit easier to cope with.

As some time passed I started feeling more at ease, probably due to the fact that we had been shopping for nearly half an hour and no one had said anything. I looked up and noticed that there weren't all that many people in our immediate area. I started singling out individuals and observed them closer.
I started to think, "why is it that I care at all what these people think?" The reality of it was that I didn't care what any individual person thought of my situation, even if they were aware of what was going on. I think it was more the fact that I didn't want to fully admit to myself or the symbolic public which was being represented by the unknowing passers-by that I liked wearing women's clothing. I felt like if I were 'found out' in some way I'd be turning in my masculinity in exchange for a 'freak' sign. However I know that this isn't really the case.

I began to think more deeply about why I was reacting so irrationally to this abnormal situation. I feel like a lot of it has to do with breaking social norms in a social environment. I mean, I've broken a number of norms and stereotypes in my day. In many ways I like to pride myself on being different from everyone else and not being able to be so easily categorized into any single group through a number of slight abnormalities.
But the key word there is 'slight'; it's one thing to be a guy and have long hair or to dance or to fill in the blank. but it is a very different thing to be a guy and totally disregard one of the central tenants of what it is to be a 'man' and that is NOT to be like a woman! and I think that wanting to wear women's clothes certainly qualifies as wanting to be like a woman. XP

As the day progressed and we visited more stores I began to feel more comfortable. I started to notice that men and women's clothes are not all that different from each other. I mean, there are basic fabric, cut, design, and color differences, but overall quite similar.
Although, given all that similarities there are clearly large social differences. I feel like women's clothes, for the most part, are more sexual than men's clothes. I know it's obvious, but I think that in many ways the hyper-sexualization of women has had everything to do with their image, and their image has everything to do with how they look and appear to be, and their look has everything to do with their clothes.. (I'm not trying to discuss origin or who is to blame for this, cause that's a whole other area of discussion that I don't want to get into right now)
sigh, long chain of words there.
So with women's clothes being sexualized and acting as the vehicle, for many women, to attaining attention, many men have become jealous of this. I believe that this jealousy is not something that is conscious, but for many cross-dressers it's a kind of admiration or fixation on the outer-wear of women. I mean, it's pretty obvious looking at a lot of the pictures posted on the net of guys squeezed into some whoreish looking number without any real attempt to play up their own figure to the garments that they're wearing. It's clear that they/we see the clothes as being sexual, they/we want to experience sexuality through it, although with my own X-dressing experience I've realized that it's a bit tougher than just buying items that I think are sexy and putting them on, cause unfortunately a lot of what I would like to wear just wouldn't look right on me.

I'm actually still in the phase where I'm feeling around for my own look, seeing what looks good on me and what doesn't. I guess I'm trying to pack a life-time of female experience into a brief period of time.. and it's been pretty rough and I think that it'll continue to be difficult, but at least it's been interesting.

Anyway, after shopping I went back home and tried on what we had purchased. I was pleased to see that most of the things we got fit (not in my girl-gear, and there are no pics as of yet), but some of them didn't. So later we went back out to the mall and my gf was nice enough to go and exchange or return the things we had bought while I waited in the car. We then continued shopping at a different mall where the stores are a bit nicer and the clothes are considerably more expensive. We didn't end up getting anything, but I figure that this isn't the last time we'll go shopping so there's no rush.

While driving to and from the mall I started to think about what I wanted to get more speficially and where I'd be able to find such items. I realized that I'd probably end up in a Hot Topic or an Epic to eventually get some of the things I'm interested in.. This I think will be especially uncomfortable because the stores are relatively small, filled with people my age and younger, And because it'd be more trendy-girl attire it'd be more abnormal for my gf to be buying in large sizes.. but I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get there.
Thinking about this got me recalling many of the styles that I have seen on other X-dressers in the past. It seems like it's very normal for people to wear business suits, dresses, and hooker attire. Thoughts of getting clothes like this has crossed my mind, but I've really been more interested in getting fairly normal items. I think that with many X-dressers their idea of femininity resides in different groups and eras; mine, I have found, is largely in my generation.. so I think it'll be fun to dress in a more up-to-date fashion and hopefully add some variety to the community. That is if I can pull off a decent look..

I'd write more, but it's down to business for me.
also, it's not like I don't write a lot as is. =P

*Thank you Summer for the compliment on my previous post. i would have e-mailed you, but I don't know your address. =P
K, take care everybody

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

feeding the habit

(Me admiring my shiny rubber-clad hand)

While I was taking the pictures from earlier I spent a little time outside.

After putting on all my gear I felt exhausted, it ended up taking me about an hour to get all the stuff on and then some additional time for the finishing touches. By the end of it I was so spent that I needed some sort of release.
After taking a few of the preliminary pictures thought, “I need a smoke.”

Normally I would have removed the mask to do so, but it had taken me so long to get it all on and together I just thought, ‘screw it’ and left the mask on.

I grabbed my lighter and a single cigarette and made my way outside. I had to have my gf check out-back before I left the building so she could make sure that the coast was clear.
I got her OK, so I emerged into the night.

Here's me looking kind of cock eyed =P

Once I tried to actually get the lighter going I found that it was exceedingly difficult to get it lit while wearing rubber gloves. The problem was that there is a child-safety bar running down the ridge of the flint-spinner, for whatever reason the rubber really adheres to this bar, so I couldn’t rotate the spinner. I ended up using my middle (exposed) finger to get it working.

In the end, the mask was quite comfortable to wear, partially because it was extremely cold out, so the extra insulation was welcomed, but also I didn’t have any trouble breathing.
Actually, the pursed lips of the mask did a good job at holding the cigarette near my mouth. Also the moulded indents on the inner-portion of the mouth made it easy for me to fit my lips inside the mask’s.

Overall it was quite an enjoyable experience and I wouldn’t hesitate to leave the mask on in the future if I felt like smoking again...

... which will hopefully be some time not too* long from now. =P

Sunday, February 19, 2006


ah, it's been a fun weekend of gorging on life by the fistfull,
but all good things come to an end and I've got to get back to work; studying behavior and the human mind.

I spent some time enjoying my other love, dance, and now my back is paying for it. Sometimes I feel like I'm getting too old for it, but then I remember that I'm 22 and try to convince myself that I have a few more years left.

So I've been thinking about my next purchase and am heavily leaning towards getting a new female catsuit, just trying to figure out color, etc. I really think I should get black, but I'm starting to get a little bored of the lack of variety of pigment in my collection, but black latex always looks so good!
decisions, decisions. =P

I also looked at some boots, or rather my gf did for me. I've come to the conclusion that I'm going to leave much of my look in her capable hands, because I like her style and she seems to have fun figuring out what I should wear. And what girl doesn't like shopping?! (I know that's kind of wrong to say)
Also, as far as typical female wear; shoes, pants, dresses, etc. I think it's wise to leave it up to a girl to make the final decision when crossdressing. I figured this out a while ago because there is a lot that goes into gender (I mean gender as a social construct, not merely biological sex differentiation).

Being a boy, I've concerned myself with boyish things, for the most part (I don't watch sports, drink beers, or chase skirts). I've always dressed in men's clothes, figured out what hair-styles look good with my figure, learned all the masculine nuances that makes up being a male in my society.
Having grown up being shaped to look and act like a boy, I now do all boy things instinctively. I look like a guy, act like a guy, stand like a guy, talk like a guy, hold my cigarettes roughly like a guy, and tend not to be dainty or feminine in anything that I do... and honestly, it's gotten a little boring. I've really enjoyed dressing up on the rare occasions that I have. It's nice to be vein while wearing someone else's face and to take pride in my figure while inhabiting a body that's not my own. I like taking on a slightly shifted persona and in many ways it has given me some perspective on the other half of the human race.

Getting back to what I was saying before; since I only know how to be a boy, trying to be a girl has proven to be nothing short of extremely difficult. I know what I think is sexy, but honestly I know that my taste is a little tacky, like most guys. So while dressing up, I don't want to look like a total slut or just a boy dressed in mis-matched girls clothing.

So once I figured out that I wanted to buy some boots I knew that I would consult my gf for it, because she has a life-time of experience in dealing with female activities, one of them being, of course, buying shoes! So I intend to continue to tap into her bottomless well of feminine knowledge of which I completely lack and am very thankful that I have access to.

Also, I'd like to say thanks to Cmonster and Pzxc for the kind words and nice comments. And yes, I plan on treating my gf well and continuing to post my writing and pictures. Also, thanks again ClosetMonster for the link on your site.

Ok, I'm off to take some advil and do more dancing!
I'll get some more posts/pics up this week! =D

Friday, February 17, 2006

Anima Appears

(I'm looking shy cause I still kind of am)

So I’ve been a member at rubberpal.com for almost 2 months and have accumulated about 300 visits over that time. I put up my first fem picture on my profile and 24 hours later.. about 100 more hits.
Insanity, but not unexpected insanity.

I still find it a little odd, just because if I ever browse around the site I generally look at just as many male profiles as I do female. Thinking about it again, I probably check out more males, but that has a lot to do with the fact that most profiles on rubberpal are made by males.

The underlying issue, with me, is that I’m interested in the fetish, the psychology behind my shared interest, the imagination and inspiration, the fantasies transforming into realities through rubber. It doesn’t really matter if I’m looking at a man or a woman or a man dressed as a woman or woman dressed as a man or a completely genderless figure, it’s all of interest. There’s something fascinating how, for many, latex engenders fantasy. It’s wonderful to see people bravely donning their rubber gear in their most shameful yet most fantastic moments… however there are those who take no shame in their rubber identities and I think that that’s great.

I have to admit that I am and have been largely ashamed of my fetish. It’s made it easier to have someone else with me along with an online community to help me feel more normal about it, but at the same time you don’t see any pictures of my face in any of the images on this site. A central reason for this is because I’d prefer to remain anonymous, as to protect and maintain my vanilla life. Another reason, which plays a huge part in me not revealing my face, is the fact that I want to relate to people and present myself symbolically.

I think that once someone’s face plays a central role in their online identity something changes. They suddenly become a person; like our co-workers, peers, and families. For some this is unsettling, for others it is refreshing. In thinking about how I wanted to be seen on this blog and through my fetish related profiles I wanted to keep things purely on a rubber and latex interest level. I belong to other groups etc. for my normal life and this is my second blog. So I intend on keeping it, for the most part, fetish related.

I also think that people, especially in the fetish community, relate to one another on a symbolic level. So in keeping with this idea I wanted to make myself into a symbol, an ideal (but not idealized). Basically simplifying myself and my fetish down through images, because all the complicated stuff I can express with words. I also like the look that latex gives the human form, it smoothes out all the bumps and imperfections and makes one look sleek and… well, ideal. Most people in a basic catsuit covered from head to toe generally fit into some basic human archetype which is always fun to take a look at. On the other hand, it’s interesting to see how people transform themselves to fit their interests.. like I have with this new identity.

Anyway, it’s been loads of fun taking pictures and progressing my ever-growing collection of thoughts and feelings. Hope everybody stays tuned!

Oh yeah. One more stat I just noticed; within the first day of being linked to closet monsters site my meter jumped from 50 hits to 400. Thank you Closet Monster! =D
In other news; this weekend I’m not going to be in my apt, so I won’t have access to my pics, so here’s another. I’ll air the rest out in the following entries... Sorry 'bout the pictureless weekend, but I've got work to do.

(I'm getting a little more comfortable in front of the camera) =D

......and yeah, I’m still putting off the explanation blog =P

P.S. - I'm in the process of giving the site a different look (see the new header my GF made for me?).. and since I'm so computer illiterate, there may be a few funky things coming and going and the site overall looking half-way right at times.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Something New

For Valentines Day my gf surprised me with a pair of latex briefs, which actually was quite a surprise cause thoughout the past she hasn’t bought me any latex without first asking me about what I wanted or my size, etc. Upon giving them to me I immediately talc-ed them down and got them ready for trying on. While looking at them I was afraid that they’d be too loose, but upon trying them on they were really tight (just the way I like it). So I was pleased with them. She asked if I wanted to return them it would be fine, so I of course asked how much they cost..
cause obviously if I had bought her something that was like 10 dollars and she wanted to return it, there almost wouldn’t be any point. I’d probably prefer the 10 dollar loss in exchange for the time I’d save not going back to return it. So if anyone ever talks about returns, it generally indicates a high price.

After some prying I found out they were considerably more expensive than I had originally thought… but I’m still keeping ‘em because I like ‘em. After putting them on I put some normal pants over them and was going to go smoke a cigarette outside, but decided not to. I laid on the bed and started thinking about latex and purchases, etc.

My gf (I really have to talk to her about getting an alias, because I hate saying ‘my gf’) shook me out of my trance and asked me what I was thinking about. I couldn’t exactly pin-point the feeling I was having, but I knew it was latex related. So I started a conversation about rubber in general, I started dissecting and categorizing my purchases by gender, functionality, frequency used, etc. I realized that the briefs didn’t fit into any of my previous groups; the briefs would be more of a ‘something to wear under normal clothes’ kind of thing. I liked the idea, but something was still eating at me so I continued the conversation. We went through our purchases in 2005 and tried to tally up how much was spent and what was gained. I basically came to the conclusion that I wanted to order something else soon, but I had no idea what.

This was strange because I normally get fixated on an item and go into “I want that!” mode and that is what ultimately drives my purchase of the desired item. The problem is that I’m in, “I want something” mode, which is a totally foreign feeling. I’m still struggling with it a bit, I just know I want to get something..
I actually made a list of garments and accessories earlier today that I want that are somewhat fetish related, but none of them are really clicking with me.. I need something in my head to go “BING” for me to actually go ahead and buy it.
I kind of like the idea of getting a custom made woman’s-cut catsuit, but I am not 400 dollars interested, I really am interested in getting a mask from gumena, but again money! I’d also like to get a long latex dress, but money/interest…

Anyway, I’ll try to figure something out, I just got put into a weird state.. it also didn’t help that I was wearing rubber briefs the whole time.. Honestly I think that it played a key role in motivating that train of thought, but now the ball is rolling and I don’t know what piece of elastic goodness it will end at.
Hopefully something fun that I can post pictures of when I get it.

P.S. - I liked getting the comments on my last entry, so keep 'em coming!
that is, if you want to.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Happy Valentines Day

Posted by Picasa Not the best picture for not the best holiday.

Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks to everyone I’ve chatted with (mostly by e-mail cause I haven't have time for YIM these days) in the past couple months. Hearing your feedback and sharing ideas has put a smile on my face, of which you can’t see because it’s covered by a mask.

Oh yeah… and for those of you who have been visiting but not saying anything; I just installed a counter. So I at least know that you’re out there watching, like I did for so long.

Ok. so I hope everyone enjoys their day!

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Let it Snow

(yeah, that's me) Posted by Picasa

Last night after getting suited up to take some pictures I noticed it was snowing..
I guess all the news reports were right about the weather, however it didn't seem quite like the huge Noreaster as they had been saying it was going to be!
it was just a few flakes.

However upon waking up this moring, I saw that the news people weren't exaggerating.


Anyway, I'll explain more about the mask, suit, pictures, and all that jazz later.. (and there's more pictures to come!)

I just felt like sharing about the crazy weather today.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

MTV 'n' ME

Every now and then when I'm at the gym or it's really late I turn to MTV and see what they have on. Some of their shows I actually find interesting, some I do not, but there's one in particular that always makes me cringe just a little as I see it.

The program I'm talking about is Room Raiders.
If you're not familiar with the series; it's a show that is half reality TV and half gameshow. The premise is that there is one person who is selecting from three potential mates, but the twist is that the one person who is choosing investigates each of the persons rooms while the owners of the place watch him turn-over their rooms on a small TV in a van. Then they make their decision on who they're going to date based on the contents and condition of their rooms.

I've seen about 5 episodes, maybe parts of more, but it seems like it happens pretty frequently that someone stumbles across condoms, porn magazines or nude images on someone's computer, lubricants that are suspiciously close to the bed, and on some occasion whips, dildos, vibrators, and the like.

Generally when these items are discovered the owner of the place looks concerned and sometimes tries to act like it's funny to them, but it's clear that they are very uncomfortable. The rest of the show is quite bland. So this is the part that I've thought about.

Every time I see something like this happen on the show I always think to how I and everyone else would react if it were to happen to me.
I don't know whether I would try to lie about what it was or just explain it out right then and there. I suppose it would depend on what item was taken out. If it was a dildo or something, well that's pretty self-explanatory. I mean, most people would probably assume I'd use it on myself or something and that doesn't bother me, even though I don't. With a male catsuit or gloves or hood or something, I don't think I'd even try to explain it then either. I'd maybe say, "I like latex" or "I like it kinky" or something, but nothing too uncomfortable or awkward.
Although, if someone were to unearth some of my CD stuff, for some reason, I think that would really get me. If it were clothes, it's not like I could be like, "Oh, that's my gf's" cause if I were on the show I wouldn't be in a relationship.. and even out of the context of the show, it's doubtful that my gf would wear clothes that would fit me cause I'm a relatively large guy.
If some false breasts, hip bumpers, or corset or something was taken out, I really don't know what I would say. I also think I'd be quite bothered by it.. that's probably why I don't invite people over that much to go digging around my living space. =P

Actually, about a year ago, maybe a little more or little less, my gf came across a stash of women's clothes that I had been accumulating over the years. When she did I immediately felt my heart drop and was kicking myself for not hiding them better.. Although, there's not a whole lot of room to hide things away in my tiny studio apartment.
She immediately thought that I had been cheating on her or something. So I just said, "no, they're mine. I used to wear them a lot.. check the sizes." When she checked the sizes she realized that I was telling the truth. I wasn't all that ashamed or anything, but that was largely due to the fact that she was fine with it.

I later told her about my CDing interest that was/is still very much alive, but I hadn't indulged in for a long time. She was again fine with it. She even opted to buy me women's clothes so I wouldn't have to resort to getting things online and having it be a huge hassle. Although, she hasn't gotten me much recently, however I haven't been dressing up much recently either. So I guess it's ok.. but I've been interested in getting some women's boots, but I'll have to talk to her about that. =P
In the end it has turned out quite well and I feel comfortable being myself around her, but it certainly doesn't translate to being wholly comfortable about all my fetishes.

Tying back to the room-raiders discussion, beyond my own reaction I would be more fearful of other's reaction to it. I mean, would it be of disgust, interest, or complete confusion? Probably a mix of confusion and disgust. The thing is that the public has been exposed to normal tools of sex; dildo's, vibrators, mail-order lingerie, etc. but I think that latex is something that not all people are wholly aware of in the same way. I mean, people have seen it: the matrix, underworld, etc. but I don't think that people really understand it. I think that it could easily be passed off as one of those indicators for someone being a total freak or weirdo.

If you look at mass-media depictions of S&M, furries, adult babies, etc. They're all seen as being these indicators for someone being a weird social deviant who is on occasion associated with some sort of crime. The movie 8mm for example, the main villain or goon is this fat guy in a black leather mask. I mean that has become the standard view on bondage. And in the movie it depicts people who are into bondage as being these crazed lunatics who gain immense sexual pleasure from hurting and killing people.. which is really not the case. I haven't spoken to many dominatrixes, but I would be willing to bet that they don't go around hurting people without consent for their own personal pleasure.

Anyway, another day, another tangent.
I just find it a little frustrating at times how fetishes are made out to seem in the media.. and it bothers me even more how the people who practice these fetishes are seen, cause the majority of the people I meet online through some similar fetish related interest are very nice, normal, and Law Abiding. lol.
If I could only say that for the majority of people I've met (in my normal life), then the world would be a much happier place.

Friday, February 03, 2006

small talk, big city

Earlier today I decided to make a short trip down to purple passion to replenish my supply of bodyglide. I was going to be in the area anyway and I figured it would be nice to return there to see if they had anything new or interesting.

While waiting in the subway station carrying my over-packed backpack with my headphones blaring in my ears I thought back and realized it had been about a year since my last visit. I began to reminisce about the times when I used to visit the place. I bought my first catsuit and last bottle of Eros there. I had somewhat fond memories of the place, but nothing very close or connected to it.

As I stepped on the subterranean train I was reminded how frequently I had visited the place. I used to go about once a week just to stop in, check out their ever-changing assortment of latex, and to say hello to the store owners and employees. They had always been very nice there and never minded it when I tried something on, unlike DeMask in NYC when the first time I tried on a catsuit there they asked to see if I had any money beforehand, then proceeded to complain about cleaning the stuff after someone tried it on.

I got off at Chelsea and walked down 8th ave till I hit 20th street. As I turned on to the familiar length of pavement I started feel a strange anxiety come over me. The way one feels when they are going somewhere they know they shouldn't be or returning somewhere they haven't been in a long time. I was half-expecting some homecoming that would be comprised of 'hellos' and 'how have you beens.' I thought it would be nice, but at the same time I have grown tired of making small talk.

Upon entering the shop my anxiety dissipated and I felt more at ease as I hung my headphones around my neck. I looked up and saw the woman who sold me my first rubber hood. She offered to give me a 15% discount on it when I had brought up how good a customer I have been under the condition that I put it on right then and there. Her along with a couple other workers all chuckled with glee about the idea and they looked at me an anticipatory gaze that said, "I want to see you transform into this fetish so we can look at you as though we are seeing ourselves."
During this moment of reflection the woman looked up, I waved, she smiled. Her expression looked like that of feigned delight, but there was no look of recognition on it. I felt slightly disappointed, but at the same time understood that a lot of faces pass through the store and mine was no different from the rest.

I walked past her directly to the lube shelf. Once I located the bodyglide I noticed that they only had the small bottles. Dismayed, I turned and asked, "don't you have any of the bigger bottles?" The woman signaled to a young male attendant of whom I have never seen before. He rummaged around behind the desk for a few seconds and came up with nothing.

Again slightly disappointed, I checked the time and noticed that I had about ten minutes before I should leave. I figured I would walk through the store and kill some time while reaquainting myself with their latex selection. I stopped and looked up at a wall display covered in dildo's, I looked at each one and was reminded of one of my previous posts. While comparing my existing dildo to these new one's I noticed that the male attendant was standing about 5 feet away from me reading a magazine, or at least trying to look that way while making sure that I didn't steal anything. At that moment I became very aware of the fact that I was carrying a backpack..

I made my way over to the back of the store where they keep the boots and some of their cheaper items. On my tiny trek there I noticed that they had replaced a lot of their rubber gear for leather and vynil stuff. As I made a full revolution around the shop I noticed that they had almost completely phased out their latex inventory. In the past they had multiple sections dedicated to rubber, now I could only find a single rack that held latex.
I browsed through it, there was nothing interesting there. As I was leafing through the material I again noticed the guy was uncomfortably watching me. I turned to him, catching a momentary glance before he buried his head back into his magazine.

I asked, "Hey, I remember this place having a lot more latex than they do now."
"Yeah, our inventory comes and goes throughout the year, sometimes we have a lot, sometimes we don't, like right now.

I turned back to the latex selection and saw it was partitioned apart by this layer of clothing that I didn't recognize. I pulled a garment or two out and looked at it. It felt interesting to the touch, it was rubbery yet cushy like a sponge. I kind of liked the different feel that it gave. I thought that it may've been 'raw rubber' which I have only seen online. I again looked to the attendant.

"hey, what is this?"
"it's neoprene.. its-"
"yeah, like wetsuit material."

After our short exchange I walked over to the corset section and gave it a look-see. The one's I saw were pretty nice, but nothing to go crazy over. They were made of satin or silk or something. I was thinking how I may get one for my gf in the near-future so I wanted to prepare myself mentally by getting an idea fow how much they cost. I turned over the price-tag and saw that each of them were a bit over 400 dollars. I was shocked, especially cause I got my corset for about 150 and it looked pretty similar to one's I was checking now. Again the guy showed up and I made some small talk with him when a girl came out from behind a blocked off area.
I recognized her, she was the store attendant who helped me with nearly all my latex purchases at purple passion. She looked up and I was expecting nothing at this point, because the previous person didn't recognize me, so this person probably wouldn't either.
When she saw me she immediately looked surprised and said, "Oh wow, you haven't been here in forever!"
"Yeah, I'm back."
"that's cool."
"how've you been?"

then she went back to the closed off portion of the store and I felt validated for having come so many times in the past.

At this point I realized that I should be leaving so I grabbed two bottles of bodyglide and placed them on the counter. The male attendant came to ring me up, I asked of I could use a CC, he said I could.
While waiting for the machine to contact my bank there was an awkward pause. I had almost forgot that I left my mp3 player running and it was quietly blaring music from the earphones resting around my neck.
breaking the uncomfortable silence he asked, "what're you listening to?"
I took a moment to concentrate on what song was playing, "Some old Jungle Brothers."
"yeah, I just got an mp3 player recently, so it's just filled with random stuff."

the credit card machine churned to life and he ripped out my receipt and put it in the bag. As he slid my items over to me he said, "ok, I hope you enjoy yourself"
At this moment I figured I'd say something in return, but didn't know what exactly, so I just said, "yeah, hopefully I'll be back a few times before I leave ny this summer."
he looked back and just kind of nodded.

Walking out I was again, as I was often time in the past, surprised at how mundane small talk is. It doesn't matter if you're in a restaurant, super market, or sex shop, small talk is small talk.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Spontaneity and rubber

For the past couple years there has been this recurring problem. It's not so much a problem as much as it is an annoyance or mood killer.

When it comes down to fooling around sexually, how does one easily incorporate latex?
I mean, most guys complain about having there be a brief hiatus in love-making in order to put on a condom. They're peeved over a couple seconds, one minute tops.
How about an entire catsuit along with a number of other garments? I've taken up to 20 or so minutes..

Now, we could always grit our teeth and just figure, "Ok when we feel like it, then we'll do it and just get back in the mood once all our gear is on." Although my gf has said to me a number of times that she wants us to be more spontaneous, and waiting around for 20+ minutes is hardly being caught up in the throws of passion. I myself have felt this similar impulse towards spontaneity in the bedroom, but I also have a taste for fetish. So my problem is really how to bring both sides together.

Throughout the past we have either:
Gotten in the mood, then at some mid-point decided to use latex where we of course have to wait a while to get it all together and put on. The obvious drawback of this is the fact that there's this extended awkward pause which essentially kills the mood.. So there tends to be this kind of alienated moment when we have to re-kindle the passion to get back into the mood.

On a couple occasions I have put things on and then surprised her with it. For the most part this has been an acceptable solution, however there are times when she's just not in the mood. Also, on most days I don't have the opportunity to wait around to surprise her because of classes or work.

The idea of us just wearing latex more often so when the impulse comes to us, then we'll just get it on and there'll be no break inbetween.. Although, I don't really like the idea of wearing latex too frequently. Just because a big part of what makes wearing rubber exciting to me is the fact that it's not an every-day event.

I think that the ideal situation is that her and I would just look at each other and mutually know that we wanted to wear rubber, dress up, and that'd be it. Unfortunately life doesn't work this way and our desires to wear latex doesn't exist on a schedule.

So I've been thinking about possible organizational solutions to this problem:
As of now I'm considering getting some shelving system near my bed, so the items would be easily found and a little simpler to put on... and that's it.

Maybe if I were living in a house I would be able to dedicate a room to play, so it would be easy to transition to fun if/when wanted, but I'm currently I'm in a tiny apartment.. and since I occasionally have guests over, I can't exactly convert my entire living space into a play room.

So, that's it for now.
if anyone has any suggestions, I'd like to hear them =P

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