Wednesday, April 26, 2006


Well, another uninteresting entry coming your way via the internet!

So yeah, I've been thinking more about latex and masking lately. However, I know that I won't have the free time to dress up until at least a couple weeks from now.. but I'm really looking forward to it!
I'm still unsure as to what I'm going to wear. I've got some other gear, but most of it is male-attire. So maybe i'll switch things up a little and dress as a boy, which I think'll be fun.

Actually, in the last week I was thinking about how I live a kind of split life. Although, it's not exactly split down the middle, its more like 94:5:1. I'd say that 94% of the time I'm just your average game-playing, hard-working, instant noodle-eating, relatively inactive student. Then 5% of the time I'm a tough-seeming, body-breaking, physically-active, crazy dancer. Then 1% of the time I'm a rubber clad boy or girl, depending on mood.

While on stage last week waiting for the lights to hit and music to start I began to think about what it would be like if my alternate self's merged. I mean, there certainly is some cross-over, but I really don't spend that much time lounging around in rubber. It really stuns me to think about those who have incorporated their fetish interests into their everyday lives.
I really admire the strength that those people show, because I know it's something that I probably won't be doing any time soon. It's not because I'm afraid of people's reactions necessarily, I just feel like in a lot of ways it's unnecessary.
An example would be; I know that a lot of my friends are sexually active, but it's not exactly like I need to hear about or even see them in their most sexual moments. So I feel like it's equally unnecessary for me to share my personal interests with them.

Although, it would be nice to be able to be totally up front with everyone I know about my interests and maybe get some valuable insights from them. There certainly have been times when I've wanted to blab about my tendencies, but just haven't because I don't want to make things awkward or uncomfortable for anyone. This is especially the case because I know that most of my friends are breathing examples of vanilla lifestyles and I think that most of them already have the sense that there's something a little different about my sexuality as is... so to maintain the status quo I've been keeping my mouth shut.

but I guess I have told my gf, but that's an uninteresting story which is still unfolding.

So I'm Just curious if anyone has any interesting social experiences they'd like to share?
Telling a friend, spouse? going to a convention? anything?

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Fresh Eyes

Ok, so the worst of it is over for now...

Last night I returned home with a friend who needed a place to stay for the night. While he was in the bathroom getting ready for bed I rushed to the computer and tried to locate and conceal any fetish material I had stashed on the computer so he wouldn't stumble upon it if he were to use it.
While looking through the files and folders I came across my first set of fetish-photos (the first picture I saw is the one posted above). As I quickly browsed through them I re-realized my interest in latex. I then quickly placed them all into some randomly named folder in the some obscure part of my hard-drive. I then put the computer to sleep and saw my friend to bed.

A little later that night I remembered that I should send some e-mails to professors. While doing so I was reminded of the latex-clad pictures I had stashed away and gave them a quick browse. It was interesting looking at them and thinking, "that's me," because I've spent the past few weeks being completely asexual and removed from my fetish.

It was kind of a foreign feeling looking at a different part of myself from an altered point of view. I liked the pictures, but I just felt far away from the experience.
As I looked on, it started to unsettle the dormant emotions I've had for the better portion of my life. I was re-reminded of all the fun and excitement that comes from the fetish and how it makes things a bit more interesting for me.
I always enjoy the re-insertion into the rubber-mindstate, just because it always makes the interest seem new and exciting.

I closed the picture folder, sent the e-mails I needed to send, and then went outside to have a cigarette. I was reminded of a conversation I had a few days earlier with some friends of mine.
We were discussion compulsive behavior and how it all stems from some need that is being partially, but not completely satisfied by the repeated behavior and how it's sad seeing people trapped in the loop they create for themselves.
I started to apply that idea to fetish and latex in the way that when I'm really into the fetish, I feel like I can never get enough of it. However, there are definitely times when I feel fully satisfied by it.

I thought on and started to realize that this connection between compulsive behavior and fetishism is not a good one, for me at least, mainly because I feel like the basis of compulsive behavior is essentially superstition, a way of releasing one's self from stress, basically doing something that you think is helping you, but really isn't because it's all in your head.
The difference with fetish for me is that I don't do it all the time, nor do I do it to release myself from some unpleasant feeling. I do it merely because I feel compelled to, as anyone does with something they enjoy. I guess for me it fits more with fishing or any other leisure activity than a vicious cycle, which makes me feel better about it overall.

In other news; it looks like my site has exceeded 10,000 visitors. so Hooray to me, maybe I'll get a celebratory photo-set up if I have time... which will hopefully happen before I hit 20,000 =P

In the meantime, here's another picture from earlier this year from a shoot that I haven't yet shared.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Balancing act

Ugh, things have been especially hectic starting today.

It's been a real struggle trying to balance school work with this dance show, but I feel like I've been keeping on top of it for the most part. The problem is that my relationship doesn't really fit into the equation. The plain and simple fact is that from today through Saturday I will have absolutely no free time..

So in hopes that my gf can wait that long without getting hardly any attention from me, then everything will be fine. It's just a matter of making it through the next 2 days alive.. After that I'll be able to step back and see how things are between us. It's just annoying to get a steam of phone and text messages accusing me of hanging up on her while probably on stage with my phone tucked away into my backpack set on silent...

gah.... Day 1 down, 2 more of extreme pain, then 3 more weeks of slightly milder pain...

Friday, April 14, 2006


I know that I'm constantly complaining about how much I have to do, but as of wednesday it's really been hitting a new peak of... blah-ness.

Aside from school work I've been sucked into doing conceptual and choreography work for a dance show that's in about a week. I've also had 14 eight-counts dropped on my head to learn by next week and to make matters worse, I won't be able to practice them with the rest of the dance-group. So the night when I'm going to first do the steps with the group will be the first actual performance.
But, whatever. It just means that I've gotta get it down by myself and hope that I can learn formations and positions an hour before show-time.

So, now through the next 10 days I'm really not going to have any real free time, because any sort of study-breaks I gave myself in the past will now be going towards practice time.

In other news.
I had a long talk with my gf about latex and fetish in general. It didn't go exactly how I originally hoped, but it wasn't bad necessarily. I'm not going to go into the exact details of the conversation, however it did get me thinking about things of fetish and sexual nature.

While struggling between analogies and other explicative devices I started to realize how difficult it is to talk about sexuality and especially fetish to someone who hasn't given it that much thought. I mean, even talking to those who do understand it, when getting abstract it's hard to really explain away and express the seemingly inborn feeling.
I think the part that makes it especially difficult for me is that it's not enough merely to think, 'I like latex... just because.'

It made me think of how I'd explain color to a blind person.
Although, I don't think the fetish/sexual endeavor is that hopeless, I've just got to give it more thought. I'm just afraid of people seeing masking and latex and immediately thinking,
"whoa, what the hell?"
Because most things sexual, I think, are widely seen as just being weird, when in actuality it is so much more. My latex and masking fetish is not something innately sexual, nor is it completely unsexual. At times, thinking about rubber to me is similar to thinking of my bed at home when tired and in a foreign place. It's a warm and inviting thought. It's also a spark of private excitement in an otherwise bland existence. It's difficult to explain, and I guess that's really the goal of this blog.. to get a handle on this innate interest.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

few fans and plans...

Thanks for the comments on the previous posts closet & arran.

As for future pictures, I'd be open to ideas of which anyone can e-mail me. However, as to whether I carry them out, I guess it depends on the idea.

*in response to closetmonster
Yeah, I like the outdoor shots too, but they're becoming more and more difficult; partially due to weather, partially due to the fact that I have new neighbors moving in, as well as a number of other factors.

I'm hoping in late May and June I'll have more free time, which will hopefully mean more pictures. Although, I probably won't be getting any new items, cause most of my money is going towards travel and... living.

I'm thinking that once I move out of NYC I'll be inclined to dress up more, mainly because I'll have more room in/outside of the house. Although, as of late I haven't felt all that inclined to take my interests much further or where I want to go with them exactly, but I think that has a lot to do with the fact that I've been really stressed lately. Along with school contributing to this, there are a variety of personal factors going on too. Also, at this moment I'm not feeling that well, so who knows.

It's just that I think that my urge to take pictures is at it's peak when I get new items, but having little money at the moment I don't have any plans to buy anything new, so probably not all that many more pictures till I get some other gear. Also, I'd like to try to straighten out some fetish-related issues I'm having at the moment.

Anyway, that's it for now.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Photo Shoot

Finding myself with one night where I didn’t have to spend all of it working, I decided that I’d take some pictures. I had told my gf the day before that I’d like to, because in the past we’ve started in the late evening and ended up finishing by early morning, which is not something you want to do if you’ve got to get up in the morning for class or work, which we did.

So having learned from those experiences I started dressing before she got home, so by the time she did we’d be able to take a couple pictures and be done with it, although it didn’t really turn out that way.

About thirty or so minutes before she got home I started dressing.

I began with my girl-suit, then put on some butt-pads, because the last time we took pictures we noticed that it flattened out my rear, making it look awkward. So I was hoping that with the inflation/these pads it’d give my back-end a more natural look. Then I put a surprise on top of that (which I’m sure you’ll be able to guess, but I’m not revealing till the next set of pictures). I then started to ease into my catsuit, it was around that time when my gf came in.

She seemed like she was in a pleasant mood, but it declined through the night.

After I got the catsuit zipped up and leggings pumped up I located and pulled on my elbow-length gloves. I was then going to put on the corset, but I felt like it would be a little boring to have primarily the same pictures as I did last time. So I thought about what else I could throw on over the catsuit. I then remembered that I had bought this really cheap latex dress/shirt thing off of E-bay just to get my rating up so buyers would take me more seriously.

I hadn’t really worn it in the past, so I was hoping that it would fit.
Once I found it I started pulling it on. Its cut just like a turtle-neck, but it has no seams or zipper. Also, the front and back are exactly the same, so it was difficult for it to accommodate my feminized shape.
It was a real struggle getting into it.

While I was doing all of this my gf was sitting silently watching TV. I started getting the feeling that she wasn’t in the best of moods, but I didn’t say anything.

I grabbed my corset and as I did I felt something strange in my leggings. I noticed that there was this cool sensation on my side and that my leggings were deflating. I realized that the blow-up tube had come loose, I considered re-attaching it, but that would have meant taking all my gear off, putting the tube back in, then putting it all back on. I didn’t want to do this because it had taken me a little over an hour to get all suited up as it was, also my gf was looking like she was getting tired and annoyed, so I didn’t want to postpone her bed-time any later.
I ended up just grabbing the corset and tying it up as fast as I could, hoping to plug the leak. I think I got it for the most part, but my legs had deflated substantially.

I then asked her to put on my eye-makeup and afterwards I put the mask on.
By this time it had become very clear that she was not in the best of moods and it made me feel especially awkward, since at first I always tend to think that it’s something that I did.
Once I was ready I stood in the middle of the room not wanting to inconvenience her by asking to take pictures, but at the same time I didn’t want to take everything off without having taken any photos.

I finally asked her and she did. While taking the pictures it was clear she was in a very bad mood. Her demeanor reminded me of the attitude of an angry teacher crossed with an annoyed customer.
This made taking pictures especially awkward because I’m still not that comfortable with masking and x-dressing. So with my self-esteem at about 0, having the person with me looking annoyed and continually asking, “what now?” and “is that it?” made me even more uneasy.

So the entire process of the picture taking was not too pleasant.
After we finished getting the shots that I had wanted I hung around a bit, just thinking about things (which I’ll talk about later).

I then took the wig/mask off and went out to have a cigarette. My gf came with me and started talking about what was wrong. It seems like it was just a case of bad-timing. I mean, really bad timing, cause I don’t mind talking seriously or having an argument or something while dressed normally, but while dressed as a rubber-girl it was really unpleasant.
About half way through I nearly forgot how I was dressed, which made it a little easier, but then when I re-realized what I had on it made me think about how comfortable I had gotten with it.

In the end it wasn’t that bad, just at the time it was pretty unpleasant.
Anyway, here are the pictures. I thought it wouldn’t be too fitting to have all of them interspersed through this story.

Till next time!
I really like set of photos that are coming up next post.

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