Tuesday, January 23, 2007

invasion of public privacy

Okay... So, it turns out that my friend who was mad at me apparently reads this site, being the reason for her anger.

We talked about it today and I suppose that things are resolved for the most part...
It was just fairly shocking to hear that she's known about the site since essentially it's conception. Don't ask me how.

Upon her telling me, I felt a little odd, not knowing how exactly to react. I was relieved to hear that she's known of it for so long and it wasn't a recent thing. The reason being, I feel like it's better to be like, "some new piece of information has set me off," and not, "Wow, you're such a freak, it's like I don't even know you." So that was kind of a relief, yet...

Still, I would imagine that most of you who post pictures, profiles, thoughts, and personal feelings on the web feel that all of these things are... well, private.
and we ensure the privacy of such things by making ourselves anonamous. However, that doesn't undo the fact that all of this is essentially open for viewing in the public domain.

So of course everything on this site, to me, is fairly private and personal and the knowledge that someone I know, who I never informed about it's existance, is viewing it made me a little... uncomfortable. However, I can't turn around and say, "Hey, that's private! I feel violated and betrayed." Because this site is really open to basically everyone.

It was just so hard to have to confront someone I've known for a decently long time and have her discussing cross-dressing, masking, latex, fetish, etc. in regards to me. Yet, at the same time, it's kind of nice knowing that she's been seeing it and seemingly accepting of it all the while.

Anyway, she's quite intelligent and has actually given some of the subjects touched on in this blog some good thought, I'd be happy if she would contribute in any way she wanted here, also feel free to leave comments if you see fit. ('you' referring to her) ('you' also referring to you the viewer I guess. hehe)
Also, if I'm going to be referring to her in the future, I guess we'll have to figure out some sort of fitting nick-name to use...
cause in the end, we all need to keep our identities secret, right?
I'll have to try harder in the future...

Monday, January 22, 2007


Okay, I've been slacking on this whole packing and getting ready thing.

anyway, in avoiding doing anything productive, I tried to update my profile here and now it's all messed up! I can't upload my new profile picture and my old one dissappeared!!! freakin' computers and technology.
I'll dedicate more time to it later, but I had a much cuter picture than before ready to post. I'm hoping to get it up sooner than later.

In the meantime, a good friend of mine is upset with me for reasons unexplained. I'm hoping it'll reslove itself and we get to talk about it before I go, but yeah. It's all piling up towards the stress that's been crushing me lately. blek

okay, now I need to pack.

*got the picture up, I think it's a bit more appropriate. Especially because of my feelings about maskers versus transvestites.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

long story long...

(I'd like to start off by saying that this is not at all latex or masking related)

Over the past few months I've been spending time with this girl I met through teaching dance class.
She stopped coming after the first week or so due to scheduling conflicts, however we would meet week to week just to hang out/study/watch movies.

She's been a good friend, however I never intended on overstepping that platonic barrier. Mainly because I've known that I would be leaving for Japan and didn't want to get sucked into any sort of serious relationship that would hold me back from leaving. I've also felt like it would be too soon for me to really even consider a relationship given that I've just felt emotionally unavailable given how my previous one ended.

However, over this time of knowing her I admit that I've been attracted to her physically and am refreshed by her sweet and innocent demeanor. Just given how she talks and her upbringing I assumed that she must have been a virgin. Also, the times when we have found ourselves coming into physical contact, I noticed that she is extremely ticklish, which is a further indication that she is unfamiliar with being touched. In addition, she seems slightly hunched over, never standing or walking in an especially effeminate fashion while dressing down, with baggy hoodies covering her upper-half and loose to semi-tight sweats on bottom.
I kind of like how she doesn't feel the need to dress up, and it's also helped me feel more at ease around her.

Two nights ago she asked if she would be able to sleep over at my house on account of her room-mate coming home late and waking her up (she's still in college). I agreed that I would let her, but thought nothing of it.
At the beginning of the evening we got dinner, rented and watched a movie. After that was finished she told me that she was tired and asked where she would be sleeping, I showed her a large couch in a corner of my house that is rarely used.
I arranged her bedding and she laid down. I felt inclined to carry on my evening plans (by leaving), but felt the need to make her feel more comfortable in this new sleeping environment. So I sat across the room from her and we talked for a bit.

As we did she stated revealing a side of herself that was entirely new and uncharacteristic to me. Normally we kept the conversation fairly light and impersonal, but she opened up by talking about past relationships and started giving some indication of a sexual history. Throughout the conversation I moved closer to her until I was sitting at the base of the couch (on the floor). I had my back to her as she told me that she's had a few boyfriends and had a special affinity for sex. I was fairly shocked by what she was telling me since it seemed so out of character for her.
She huddled close to me on the edge of the couch and got her head closer and closer to mine. I felt a little awkward given the position, so I decided to invade the actual couch space and lie-down. As I did she seemed a little uncomfortable and everything became a bit awkward.

She continued on about her conversation about liking sex, etc. I chimed in saying how it was strange having a sex-talk given the fact that I hadn't had any in so long. She asked why, because I am pursued by a number of girls, and I told her that I just wasn't ready for another relationship yet. She asked if I ever just wanted to have sex in general. I replied that I did, but getting a 'fuck buddy' isn't so easy as a guy... and is made especially difficult for someone who'se only real female social contacts are girls who are his dance students (that is a barrier I certainly do not want to cross). I also pointed out that in the past, regardless of how much I would say I didn't want a relationship, if I ever hooked up with a girl they would always end up wanting a relationship and in the end things become unpleasantly complicated.

She then drew the conversation over to how she enjoys sex and has been capable of separating sexuality from emotions. The conversation continued in a similar trend until it became obvious that we wanted eachother physically, however we were both too shy to admit it straight out. In the past I've had such conversations and nothing came out of them, then in retrospect I look back and kick myself for not taking a chance. I figured that I would, for once, give it a try as I pulled her close to me. When I did she turned her head away and I took it as a fairly straight-out rejection. Feeling my pride being shaken I moved to the edge of the couch and tried to continue talking as though nothing had happened.

In my mind I was going over what I had done wrong or what signs I must have mis-perceived. I laid there deep in thought, but I let me mouth continue making small-talk. She turned back towards me and placed her forehead against mine. I continued talking, wide-eyed in surprise at her fairly-bold move. As we spoke our noses were touching and lips were coming millimeters from one another's. She continued inching and inching closer, but never made that final step of actual lip contact.

Still feeling a little put off by being rejected, I didn't move. We continued talking for another few minutes until we both mutually made a tiny movement towards one another that bridged the gap between us. That moment we began kissing and I was reminded of that strange yet pleasant sensation when one takes that step from platonic to romantic. I enjoyed the moment for a few minutes until I realized that I hadn't cut my facial hair in about a week.
I stopped and said, "Oh, my stubble must be hurting your face."
"No, it's just... interesting."
However, given how polite she always is, I knew that she was just being nice regardless of the discomfort. I stopped and admitted that it was late and that she should sleep. She did and I left.

I returned to my bed one floor down thinking of what happened. I felt as though I may have pressured her into doing what she did and I began to regret it. I figured that I would just pretend that it hadn't happened and if she brought it up again, then we could discuss it.

The next day I received a text message upon waking up asking, "Hey, can I sleep over again!" I took this as a positive sign, however I waited until some hours later to reply.
In the meantime I shaved and told a few of my friends what had happened. I caught dinner with some of them and I texted her back with, "yeah sure, just let me know when you want to come over."
She immediately called back and in a couple hours I bringing her back to my place. One of the first things she happened to mention was that she was on her period, but I didn't pay it all that much mind. We hung around for a bit not doing much. I noticed that she was avoiding physical contact and at no point did we talk about what had happened the previous night. She eventually made a small effort for some sort of contact by asking me for a massage. Upon her asking I playfully responded with a counter-request that she do something for me in return. She asked what and I sat back to think. As I did she literally jumped me and we were back to making-out.

I was pleased that this time she showed the initiative and it didn't make me feel as though I had unwantingly pressed the events of the previous evening. As the session went on we found ourselves getting warm so we took our over-shirts off, her's being (as usual) a thick hoodie. She was wearing a tank-top underneath and I noticed that she had a really nice body. I had some indication of this previously, I just hadn't seen it in the flesh, so to say.
We continued making out and I felt the desire to start doing some serious groping, however I didn't want to offend her. Up until the day before she has struck me as being the most innocent girl I've ever known, so still holding onto that image I didn't feel it at all appropriate to just start grabbing at her without some said or unsaid consentual agreement.

I let my hand hover above her breasts for a few minutes until I figured I would abandon the prospect and just leave the situation as it was. Shortly after she started cuddling, then fell asleep. I wasn't tired, so once she was good and out, I removed myself from the area and called a few friends.

I went to spend time with them and to help get myself some perspective on the situation. It was after some thought and deliberation that I thought, "Okay, I'll set my alarm early, wake up tired as she will probably still be in bed, then as both of our inhibitions are still down from not being fully awake start the whole process again and maybe this time it will go further because of it."

I went home, set a few alarms, and went to sleep. I woke to each alarm, but promptly turned them off as they went off. I just felt too tired and un-motivated that something good would come out of it.
I finally woke for the last time, as I have for the past 6 months, by-myself in my bed feeling unready to face the world and lonely. Every morning I wake to this realization of being alone and missing my ex, not because of who she was, but because she was just there, which was always comforting.

Moments after waking the girl game trotting down the stairs. I was please to see her and her timing seemed nothing short of perfect. Before she opened her mouth I said, "Okay okay, I'm getting up. I'll take you back to school."
She said that we didn't need to leave, but only came down because she heard an alarm go off. As she did she came jumping into bed with me first asking if I was naked. I assured her that I was wearing boxers, but she respected my privacy by not getting under the blankets with me. She grabbed an old Japanese phrase-book from near my bed, huddled close to me, and started leafing through it. I hadn't said anything yet, just feeling pleased that for once in a long time I didn't feel entirely isolated as I normally did upon waking.

She started reading from the book, making the pronunciations even more off since she is not a native English or Japanese speaker, "toy-re wa doko des-ka?" "where's the toilet," I echoed. "sek-shiina," "sexy." "yaru ga ski-des," I paused a moment to laugh then said, "so, you like having sex do you?" (it's not a literal translation). She nodded and put the book away. I threw the blanket over her and she took her hoodie off and we began making out again. I unconsciously started groping one of her breasts and noticed something was off, I paused a second and she asked me what was wrong.

I looked down at her cotton-clad chest as I prodded her right breast and said, "Why are they so big?" She laughed at the question, but I was being completely honest. Given her race, thin-ness, and general size I was amazed at how disproportionately large her breasts were and was even more amazed that I hadn't realized it before. I would have to say that she was a 22-24" waist if even that, but had at least C-cups. I made her take her shirt off and get up on her knees so I could see them better. As she did I was again amazed, without a bra or any support what-so-ever they stood up erect and perfect. I hadn't ever actually seen breasts like these in real life because all of my ex's were fairly small, because I really only like thin girls that tend to be fairly flat. I was truly taken aback at the gorgeous torso I saw before me as she told me that she was feeling shy and cold so she jumped back under covers.

I was laying on my side and she got on her back and pulled herself up against me. I noticed my throbbing penis was getting near to where she was, so I arced my back so I wouldn't be poking her, but she continually shoved her rear into my crotch and I kept moving it back. We had turned about 90 degrees total until I just let it lay against her butt anxiously pulsating.
We laid there in silence for a few minutes when she said, "I'm curious."
I figured it was just a translation error, so I waited for her to say more.
"I'm curious," she repeated.
"you know what."
"no I don't."
"yes you do," she accusingly remarked.
"I have a guess, but I know I'm wrong. So what are you talking about?"
"well... how you are... you know?"

I stopped a moment with some hesitation. I felt as though it was pretty clear that she was talking about my penis. So I replied with,
"well, I'm not really hiding it, so you can see for yourself."

She didn't move, again. I felt as though this was a cultural reservation thing. We continued vaguely hinting at the subject as I took her hand and started guiding it down towards my crotch. When I got about 2 inches from it she said, "I'm curious how it would to have sex with you... but if you want to show me that too, it's cool." I stopped her hand, feeling like a little awkward. "Oh, yeah... you can keep going if you want, but umm.. aren't you on your period?"

She never made the additional inch or so jump, also with the physiological state she was in we both kind of realized that this wasn't going anywhere at the moment.
We continued on in a similar fashion for a little, then I opted to take her back to school because she is in the middle of a test week.

I dropped her off feeling pleased that for the first time in a long long time I had someone with me upon waking up and I actually started the day in a nice way.

but yeah, that's what I've been doing for the past few days. In addition to getting all my stuff together to leave.. so things have been.. interesting. =P

more next-time.

Monday, January 15, 2007

Finally, a pre-made doll-suit!

(picture from marquis newsletter)

I thought this would be relevant to this site.

Anyway, I'm happy to see that a company has actually acknowledged the market for latex-doll costumes and made a suit like this one.
Personally, I don't think I would buy one for myself, but I would certainly get it for a girlfriend or something. Just because I feel like a costume of such nature would be most fitting for a perfectly feminine figure... but that's just me.

If anyone purchases it, I'd be happy to see pictures! just drop me a line, lol.

Saturday, January 13, 2007


Well, it seems like I've been really slacking on this whole posting thing. My apologies, I've just been super busy lately. you know... trying to pack up a life and move away, it's more difficult than I had originally imagined.

in the meantime here are a couple old pix:

*yeah, I'm fine, things have just been really busy for me lately. So I'm a little stressed, but overall good! =P

Monday, January 08, 2007

travel plans

Okay, so I've been hinting for the past few months about potential future/travel plans, but haven't said anything aside from that.

So now that they are more concrete, I figure I'll let everyone know what it is.

At this end of this month I'm planning on moving to Japan. At first I'll be living just outside of Tokyo, but if all goes well, then I should be in Tokyo somewhere.

I'll be there at least (maybe less, but I don't know) 3 months, but it may be up to a year or so depending on visa stuff.

In short, this means there'll be almost no masking or anything of that sort for at least a couple months while I'm living with family and a friend's family. However, if all goes well and I get my own place, I intend on starting up then.
But I'll have to see what all the plans are and how everything plays out.

Until then, I'm just getting ready to leave.

**yes, I intend on continuing to post here and I will probably end up fleshing out old pictures etc. once this place gets really drab. However, I'm sure the content of my posts will become much more interesting, because I'll be living in a place that treats sexuality as well as the genders entirely differently.

I'm still in the process of trying to figure out if there is anything that I want to bring with me that is fetish related.. as of now, I'm thinking not because I'll be staying with some family/friends fam, and Japanese matriarchs tend to be a bit on the nosy side...

Saturday, January 06, 2007

s'been a while

Well, it feels like it's been a while since my last post.

I was planning on dressing the for the past few nights, but haven't just cause none of my gear excites me that much anymore.. My mask is busted and my doll-suit doesn't fit quite right.

If I have some time tonight or the next few days I'm planning on wearing something, I just don't know what, but it certainly won't be new, unfortunately. BLAH.

sorry for the boring post

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